Big Red Car here. Another lovely Texas summer day. I wish you could be here to enjoy it. It is glorious. But, then, it IS Austin by God Texas, y’all!
So I finally got an interview with The Donald. He dropped by Austin and I drove out to the airport — where he was refueling his great big jet with his great big name on it — and we chatted in a hangar.
Here it is.
BRC: So, The Donald (he likes being called “The” Donald, y’all, and I decided to go along with it), welcome to Austin, Texas. Been here before?
TD: Big Red Car, you look terrific. What a great looking American muscle car you are! I love American muscle cars. American muscle cars love me and support me. I’m going to be the best President EVER for American muscle cars.
What was your question?
BRC: Have you ever been here before?
TD: OK, Big Red Car, that’s the way you want to play it? Yes, The Donald has been here before.
By the way, Big Red Car — you really do look terrific today — do you know that I went to Wharton and I’m very rich? Tremendously rich!
No questions about my hair. OK?
BRC: The Donald, have you ever been to Texas before?
[I didn’t want to point out he had said both “yes” and “no” to my question. Didn’t think it would be polite plus he seemed a little wound up. A lot of energy in The Donald. I wonder if he’s taking Adderal or something?]
BRC: What brings you here today?
TC: I wanted to meet with you, Big Red Car. Terrific, awesome.
I also wanted to come see the border again and I want to smack Teddie Cruz and Rick Perry around a bit.
Perry is out of money because he isn’t a billionaire.
How does a guy with any machismo — got lots of machismo, The Donald does — not become a billionaire in a great state like Texas? Perry? He’ll be gone in a few weeks. I want his supporters.
Did I tell you that I went to Wharton and was a terrific student? Charisma? Lots of charisma.
BRC: So, Mr. Trump, you recently released your immigration plan. You provided specifics and it has been received with mixed reviews. Some like it and some hate it. How do you feel about the criticism?
TD: Big Red Car, I can tell you exactly who hates it — pinheads, stupid politicians, corrupt politicians, incompetent people, Rosie O’Donnell — a fat slob loser — and Mexico. Mexico is sending us their worst people.
I love TexMex by the way. Did I tell you I love TexMex? I’m headed to Matts El Rancho after this. Maybe you come along and we eat those fajitas and guacamole?
The Mexicans hate it because they are used to out negotiating Obama — worst negotiator ever, couldn’t sell an overpriced condo to a Chinaman if his life depended on it — and sending us shitheads.
Not all Mexicans are bad just the murderers, rapists, kidnappers — those shitheads.
BRC: What do you think that people do not know about The Donald that they should?
TD: The people should know that The Donald is rich, smart as Hell, rich, a billionaire and that women love him.
Have you seen my wives — Ivana — very hot! Top of her class. Very nice breeding we did with our children.
Then there was Marla — very hot, Southern girl. Not my style come to find out. Some deals don’t work out. Great pre-nup. I met another girl and re-cycled her. You know The Donald is big into recycling, right? Terrific business!
Then there’s Melania — have you seen her? She’s from Slovenia. I didn’t know where the Hell Slovenia was and now I own their best supermodel. Look at that ring I gave her. That’s a terrific ring for a terrific woman.
Terrific woman! Women love The Donald and I’ll be very good for women. Best President ever for women. Not just the ones I date or marry — all women. Did I tell you I’m terrifically rich?
BRC: Mr. Trump, the Iowa state fair? What happened with helicopter rides for the young folk?
TD: Can you believe those stupid people told me I couldn’t operate my helicopter from the middle of the fairgrounds? Stupid, incompetent, state fair pinheads.
Well, The Donald, doesn’t take no from anybody — ask Melania about that.
Haha. Little joke. No BIG joke, we’re in Texas, right and everything is bigger in Texas, right? Like me — rich and bigger than life.
So I just rent a freakin’ parking lot across the street. Made Mexico pay for it. Do not get in The Donald’s way.
Haha. Two good jokes. Terrific jokes. When I’m President, I’m going to be very good for comedians, jokes, and comic writers. Hell, I’m so terrrific; I’m going to be terrific for everyone. Best ever.
BRC: Are you sincere when you say you won’t raise any outside funds and self-fund your campaign?
TD: Big Red Car — you do look terrific. Have I told you that? Of course, I have.
Here’s the thing — I’m rich. Why do I want to take other people’s money? I’ve already go a lot plus I don’t have to kiss those Koch brothers’ asses. Or that freakin’ George Soros. I just do what I want with my own money.
See my plane? The one with the big Trump on the side? Yeah, well — terrific plane — I can go anywhere and do whatever I want cause I’m rich.
Those toadies I’m running against have to take money from strangers and then do whatever the Hell they tell them to do.
They told that fat ass Jeb Bush to lose weight — what did he do? The guy looks like he’s sick. He eats like a rabbit. You can’t be a vegan and win the presidency. Nobody tells The Donald to lose weight. Jeb looks like a bean pole. America does not need another skinny President. This last skinny President has been a disaster.
Look at this big gut of mine — terrific. [He slaps his gut for emphasis. It is a very hard and loud slap.] I am going to be very good for guys with big guts. Women, too. Big gut women love The Donald. Adore me.
Hell, I’m going to be the best thing that ever happened to women. Ask Ivana. Ask Marla. Ask Melania. Ask Megan Kelly. Ask that slob Rosie O’Donnell. Has been until I slapped her around.
Haha, three jokes. That Megan Kelly is getting on my nerves with her menstrual blood nonsense. I only talked shit about that slob Rosie O’Donnell. Who talks nice about a slob like that? Not The Donald.
BRC: Can we move next to Putin and Russia?
TD: Putin looks like a tough nut. Every time I see a picture of him and Obama I think that Putin just gave Obama a wedgie and stole his lunch money.
Am I wrong, Big Red Car? Am I? You know I’m right.
BRC: Well, The Donald, they do look uncomfortable. Awkward might be a better word.
TD: I’ll tell you a better word, Big Red Car. They look like Putin gave Obama a titty twister.
What’s up with this guy and taking his shirt off all the time? Does he think he’s got great tits or something? He looks ridiculous. The Donald doesn’t take his shirt off except at the Hampton’s — where I have a fabulous home. Best on all of the island. Really terrific house. Lots of good looking women hanging around. Why? The Donald!
You know I know something about great tits, right? Big Red Car? Right? Haha, The Donald knows something about great tits and that little shit Putin doesn’t have great tits.
I’ll steal his lunch money. Tell him, Big Red Car. Tell him that The Donald says, “No more lunch money. No more wedgies. There’s a new sheriff in town, you little shit!”
BRC: Mr. Trump, I know you want to get to Matt’s El Rancho, so I will not keep you. Maybe when you return, we can speak a little more?
TD: Thanks, Big Red Car. Come on. Come with us. It’ll be terrific! Trust me.
They’re preparing a feast for us — fajitas and a lot of other stuff I don’t know how to pronounce.
I’m going to be a terrific President for TexMex — gonna serve it at state dinners. Make the French eat enchiladas when the come to DC. Bunch of freakin’ snail eaters. Should have stopped with French fries. Freedom fries!
BRC: Mr. Trump, one last question? Are you afraid that someone might poison you at Matt’s El Rancho because of your inflammatory comments in regard to illegal aliens?
The interview was concluded and The Donald continued to Matt’s El Rancho. Others said that Mr. Trump didn’t touch his food.