The Impeachment Paroxysm

This is the first time I have used the word “paroxysm” in a longish time. I may never have used it in this blog before. It means a “sudden, violent outburst; a fit of violent action or emotion.”

It is a word apropos for the impending impeachment of President Donald J Trump tomorrow by the US House of Representatives. [I predict Speaker Pelosi wears pink & pearls. Anybody want to make a small wager?]

“Don’t screw with me, Big Red Car, you rust bucket. I can do things to you you cannot even begin to imagine.”

In case you have been traveling or tunneling toward the center of the earth, the House of Representatives’ Judiciary Committee, after painstaking scrutiny of the misdeeds of our President spread over a couple of days in which we met some actual law school professors, has proposed two Articles of Impeachment which the entire House of Representatives will ponder tomorrow and approve.

[I can tell you they will approve them, because that is part of my super powers — I can see the future.]

Only Democrats will vote to impeach the President. Some handful of Dems will vote against it, but it will be hopelessly partisan.

The purpose of our discussion today is to provide you with the appropriate talking points such that you may participate in — Hell, dominate — any discussion or gathering.

The world is divided into two warring tribes:

 1. The “I Hate Trump” tribe who favors impeachment (the preferring of charges), removal from office, public shaming, posting of naked pictures of him on Instagram, and — for a small group — banishment to Corsica, or, alternatively, Atlantic City.

 2. The “I Support Trump” tribe that is throwing water on witches and wants President Trump to surf the wave from the backwash of impeachment to victory in the Election2020, elevation to sainthood by the Pope, and inclusion on Mount Rushmore.

I would be tempted to suggest there are triblets between these two tribes, but that is not true.

I Hate Trump

The argument for impeachment by the I Hate Trump bunch can be summed up in two words: Trump Bad.

You may flesh this out with a great number of words to provide context and color, but at its core it is high dudgeon over the temerity of “this man” to win the Election2016, thereby preventing the “most qualified woman in American history” from ascending to the throne of power.

She deserved it. It was her turn. He messed it up. He has to pay for that.

You will hear such things as:

 1. Our democracy is under attack and can only be safeguarded by — you can finish the rest of this sentence, no?

 2. Our national security has been put at risk.

 3. This is exactly what the Framers had in mind when they did their time travel from the late 1700s to now.

I Support Trump

The argument against impeachment by the I Support Trump gaggle can be summed up as: WTF?

You will hear such things as:

 1. This is just an attempt to nullify the Election2016. They can’t win at the ballot box.

 2. This effort started one millisecond after President Trump took his hand off the Bible and before he kissed Melania.

 3. This is exactly what the Framers warned us about in the Federalist Papers. [Using the Federalist Papers as a crutch is always a pro move because damn few people have actually read them. Look, they are a hard read.]

So, Big Red Car — what is the reality of things?

Are you sure you want to hear anything about reality? OK, I’ll play along. Here are the BRC’s talking points:

 1. Of course the President muscled the Unkrainian President around. All foreign aid comes with strings attached.

Why do you think the US gives foreign countries money? TO MODIFY THEIR BEHAVIOR. Do not be a naif.

On the other hand, who thinks you get a free pass for your crack head kid milking the sugar tit of corruption back when you were the Vice President just because you’re running for the Dem nomination? Come on, man.

 2. Of course the President obstructed the Congress’ attempt to lynch him.

The Executive and the Legislative branches are co-equal branches. If the Congress thinks the President is obstructing their investigation by failing to produce witnesses and documents — then go to court.

[Point of order: The SCOTUS is on point and has taken up a case that throws sunlight on this matter.]

On the other hand, there is no such thing as “absolute privilege.” I love the creativity and wordsmithing, but no, that is not in the Constitution.

 3. The entire process in the House of Representatives was purely partisan. Sure Speaker Nancy Pelosi promised some kind of bi-partisan adult process, but she’s a politician. Hell, it’s Nancy.

On the other hand, if it hadn’t been partisan — meaning it was fair — it would never have gotten done by Christmas. I like to think of impeachment as Jerry Nadler’s Christmas present to the country.

 4. The entire Intel Committee (Adam Schiff, Chairman) and the Judicial Committee (Jerry Nadler) was a hoot. Being a hoot does not mean it was fair.

Who ever said that things had to be fair? This is one of those binary things — one v zero, win v loss. There will be winners and losers and such behavior requires a bit of partisanship.

[I want to develop a made-for-television event: a food fight amongst the Intel and Judicial Committees. Tasteful. I want it to be tasteful, but I want to see Jerry Nadler and Doug Collins going after it with hard boiled eggs. Any investors? Ping me. This thing could be huuuuuge. Somebody has to tell Jerry Nadler he can’t eat the food.]

 5. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is going to run this Senate extravaganza like a Labrador field trial — meaning there will be a lot of activity, people will be calling their barking dogs in and out, and in the end the President will not be removed from office. No ducks will be harmed in the process.

Look, to remove the President requires 67 votes. The votes are just not there, so Mitch (OK, for fun, you can call him Cocaine Mitch) does not give a rat’s ass what anybody thinks.

You want to see raw power? Mitch McConnell is going to show you how the cow is going to eat this cabbage.

Already Mitch has been over to the White House to see how they want things to run. Point of order: juries don’t usually liaise with the defendant before or during the trial.

Hell, yes, Senator Schumer will get out the crying towel, tell you how different this impeachment effort has to be v the Clinton impeachment, but in the end — just like the Gorsuch and Kavanaugh confirmation skirmishes — Senator Mitch McConnell is going to be standing in the Winner’s Circle with the roses around his neck grinning like Secretariat.

 6. The House Managers (the prosecutors) will arrive in the well of the Senate looking serious and deadly as if going on a raid to destroy Taliban HVTs (high value targets) in the eastern mountains of Afghanistan.

They will, however, be seen as the weird, smallish, partisan munchkins (munchpersons?) they are.

[Fair play — they are partisans and if they were Republicans they would also be partisans. You don’t send men to the Senate from the House to tip toe up on the subject. You are there to undo an election, to slap the snot out of 60MM+ voters, to kill the King — no, you STORM that chamber like it was Normandy and you are the Rangers. Schiff, Nadler — couple of Rangers? I can see it. You?]

 7. The President will emerge from the trial tanned, twinkling, hard aTweet, and poised to run the table come November.

You will remember the advice: “If you come to kill the King, make damn sure to kill the King.”

 8. Two other things of interest will happen:

 a. The President will get knocked around a lot more than anyone has ever anticipated or seen. The I Hate Trump tribe will pull out all of the stops. The media will be on speed and will provide non-stop rage, fury, and wrath.

Mika will divorce Joe on air. Rachel Maddow will have a nervous breakdown on camera. Hannity’s hair will spontaneously combust. Gorka will rip his shirt off, jump on top of a table, and show off his new tattoo — a bust of Donald J Trump with “MAGA” under it.

 b. The I Support Trump tribe will emerge with their war paint on.

The man-in-the-street will come up from the street and camp out on the front porch. The voiceless will suddenly find their voices and they will chant, sing, and scream. It will mostly be in the South because of the weather. It is way too cold up north to hang out on a porch.

 9. This will be big, but not as big as Christmas, the bacchanal known as New Years, the BCS championship games or the Super Bowl.

Really bad timing for this. So much stuff going on. Why not right after Spring Break?

 10. The US Congress will accomplish nothing until after Election2020.

 11. The Dem candidates for the nomination will disappear into the background with a “Where’s Waldo?” sort of vibe.

Bloomberg, not distracted by Christmas or a full time job as a US Senator, will attempt to buy the election and will come close.

 12. The President of the United States, Donald J Trump, will NOT be removed from office and three Democrats will vote against his removal — Joe Manchin of West Virginia, Doug Jones of Alabama, and Krysten Sinema of Arizona.

Even wobbly Mitt Romney will vote to acquit. Susan Collins will deliver another speech. Murkowski of Alaska will look very craggy, wise, and vote against removal.

 13. The economy will roar its approval, the Dow will sprint to 29,000, the President will be re-elected in a grand fashion, the Republicans will regain control of the House, the Republicans will add to their margin in the Senate.

 14. As President Trump removes his hand from the Bible after his second Inauguration before he kisses Melania, the Dems will begin impeachment rumblings anew.

 15. A second term Donald J Trump, with a Republican House and Senate, will initially govern like a well-oiled machine and then they will start to fight with each other because they will have lost their organizing glue.

A few serious comments, if I may?

OK, so let me share a few serious comments, may I?

 1. The Articles of Impeachment do not rise to the level of “high crimes and misdemeanors.” Sorry.

 2. The process was and is a partisan jug fuck. Sorry.

 3. It’s perfectly fine to hate on President Trump, but not liking him, being pissed off that Hillary didn’t win the election is not an impeachable offense.

 4. The Founding Fathers, the framing crew that built the Constitution, man, they were really, really smart. They warned us about the dangers of partisanship. They were and are right.

 5. Our democracy is not and never has been under attack. We are way stronger than this.

 6. Don’t invoke “national security” unless the city of Hoboken, New Jersey will be impacted by whatever you are complaining of. Ukraine is 8,000 miles away. Nothing going on in Ukraine is going to impact Hoboken or Peoria or you.

The US Navy does not make its deployment plans based on what is going on in Ukraine.

 7. Get a really good, butter flavored popcorn. Drink water, not soda.

So, dear reader, there you have it.

What is really happening here is VENTING. The I Hate Trump tribe gets to vent. The I Support Trump tribe gets to vent. Look, venting is healthy.

Nothing changes.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.