Today, your Big Red Car brings you the talented and mysterious artiste Hunter Biden who has agreed to sit down with us in his studio, take a break from his heavy painting and exhibition schedule, and chat about things.
Hunter: Look, Big Red Car, a couple of ground rules first.
BRC: Sure, Hunter, what’s on your mind?
HB: No Ukraine, Buresma, drugs, hookers, private equity, no laptop baloney — deal? Art, only art, I’m a serious artiste. Notice I put an “e” on it. So, we good?
BRC: Sounds fair. Let’s dive into it. How long have you been a serious artist?
HB: Oh, maybe a year, nah, six months. Serious? Yeah, I’m serious as a heart attack.
BRC: What was the draw? Stifled creative impulse shuttered all these years?
HB: Nah, it’s just a side hustle. I’m a hustler and a hustler got to hustle. It started as a side hustle, but my recent success — sold five paintings for $75,000 each this week in Los Angeles, fucking Van Gogh never hit a lick like that, am I right? — has turned it into my main hustle.
BRC: Have you received formal training of any kind?
HB: Took undergrad Art History in summer school, made a gentleman’s C-. Read most of an Internet blog post from Michael’s about technique and what kind of brushes are best for acrylics. I’m an acrylics guy. Get my brushes from a dude for free, pal of the Big Guy.
BRC: Speaking of the Big Guy, how’s he doing?
HB: Crushing it. No more talk about the Big Guy — I call him the Meal Ticket, but don’t tell him.
BRC: Ten percent for the Big Guy from the painting hustle?
HB: Cross that bridge when we get to it. If I can skate, Hell no. The Big Guy has his own hustle working and he never 10%s me, so if he insists, yes, but if not, let sleeping dogs lie. Feel me?
BRC: Yes. From whence do you draw your inspiration for your painting?
HB: I think about the size of my free canvases, most important thing. Look at the paints I have left, smoke some weed, and then I paint what I see in my head. You know sometimes the voices in your head are smart AF.
BRC: Somebody said you were considering painting a portrait of Donald Trump, true?
Hunter went into a fit of laughing that soon became painful as he wheezed and struggled to breathe. Luckily, he had a half full bottle of expensive tequila (Don Julio REAL, perhaps the most expensive production tequila in the world and worth it), a swig of which ended the laughter after which he wiped his mouth on his sleeve. He offered the Big Red Car a drink from the bottle.
BRC: Thank you, very gracious, but I’m working, so I better not. Again, thanks.
HB: I heard you were a funny dude, Big Red Car, but no more of that shit, I’ll literally bust a gut.
BRC: So, no Trump portrait?
HB: Nah. Maybe if I do some LSD, but no Trump portrait. Guy’s a maniac. When I do crazy shit, at least there’s drugs involved. Trump is doing it au naturel. Very weird guy.
BRC: Is it out of line if I ask you whether the election of your father was legitimate? Any cheating?
HB: Look, we’re Democrats — cheating? It’s part of our DNA, like how being an artiste is in my DNA. Not a lot, just enough to put the Big Guy in the White House. It was his turn, right?
BRC: Back to the paintings, wasn’t it your intention and didn’t you promise not to use the family name to advance your art career? In fact, didn’t both you and the Big Guy provide assurances that you wouldn’t even meet the prospective buyers?
HB: Sure, what’s your point?
BRC: You lied? Your father lied? You were at a reception for your art work this week in Los Angeles and mingled with more than 200 collectors of whom five plunked down $75,000 each to buy paintings. Isn’t that a perfect example of corruption?
Hunter broke into another laughing fit, cured it with a quick swallow of tequila, wagged his finger at the Big Red Car.
HB: Stop that, Big Red Car. If it were up to me, I’d have my business office and studio in the bloody White House — right off the Oval Office. Use the Map Room for showings, use the gift shop cash register to handle payments, sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom, have one of the Big Guy’s minions oversee the joint, and have the FBI provide security. Sweet deal. But, no, some shit who works for the Big Guy said, ‘No bueno.’ I’m just a small businessman trying to make a buck in a tough COVID economy.
BRC: So, is the art career — which you said evolved from a side hustle into your main hustle — is it just corruption?
HB: Look, Big Red Car, I’m OK with you saying I have no talent or that my work sucks, but it’s perfectly on the up-and-up. Trust me. Been at it for six months and, sure it’s a quick hit sort of success, but that stuff is worth $75,000 easy — the little ones. The big ones are worth $500,000. Take that to the bank — my bank, please.
BRC: So, Hunter, this painting you call ‘Spectral Mess’ is worth $500,000?
HB: Hell, yes. As I said, take it to the bank, dude, my bank. I may raise the price on that baby because I am really selling this stuff. And, Big Red Car, don’t think I didn’t pick up what you just did, ace. It’s called ‘Spectral MASS’ not ‘mess.’ Wise ass.
BRC: But, surely, Hunter, you know that swarms of accomplished artists have studied and worked for decades and their works don’t fetch anywhere near that amount. Isn’t it all just a scam?
HB: Tell those schmoes to put an ‘e’ in their bio where they are called ‘artists’ and see what that does to prices. It’s all marketing, baby. Some of us have the touch.
BRC: Isn’t it really that some of us have the last name Biden?
HB: Look, asshole, I agreed to do this interview to advance my brand, to establish the value proposition of my work, to give you an insight into my creative process, and to expose my genius. Like that? I had Jen Psaki write that for me. She’s good with questions. But, no, you’re just like all the other haters.
BRC: Haven’t you been trading on the family name for decades? You go to China on Air Force Two with Dad and come home with a huge $1,500,000,000 investment from a quasi-government entity controlled by the Red Chinese when you have never really been a successful investment manager. Isn’t that just corruption? Influence peddling?
HB: Look, you bag of rusty bolts, you do you and let me do me. Me is a Biden and you’re not. Deal with it.
BRC: Fine. Back to the art — is there a broader portfolio of work currently underway or in the future?
HB: Absolutely. If this gig takes hold — and I have to say it’s looking very sweet so far — I may fire up a factory and hire a couple dozen first rate Chinese artists to punch out my work. I’ll put some creative energy into it, some sketches, but it’s time to gear this baby up and hit some numbers.
BRC: Why do you feel this urge to scale up what is usually a very personal endeavor?
HB: Volume, baby, plus the Big Guy isn’t going to be POTUS forever. Way things are looking, his goose is cooked shortly.
BRC: How does it make you feel when you hear folks screaming, ‘Fuck Joe Biden’ at sporting events?
HB: Well, I don’t like it, but let’s be honest, it is good for my brand awareness. I’m just riding for the Biden brand, baby. Plus, let’s be honester — see what I just did — Big Guy’s not all that good at this stuff — the border? Total shit show. A’stan? Whoa, I never had a trip that bad. Still, I love the guy and face it, the media loves him even more.
BRC: How would you feel about showing us some of your other work?
HB: Not for free, Big Red Car. I’ll let you see one for $100. Everybody has to pay to be part of the hustle. No free lunch.
The Big Red Car proffers a credit card and Hunter Biden uses Square to process it and then provides this picture. Later it turns out he used the BRC’s credit card to charge art supplies at Michael’s.
BRC: Tell me about this painting — take as deep a dive as you want.
HB: This was one of my earliest works. Sold it for $75,000 to a lobbyist in California this week. I would tell you his name, but I’m not supposed to know it. Part of the hustle. Bought the canvas, paint, and brushes at Michael’s on sale — that stuff is very expensive at real art stores and the Michael’s stuff — it’s good enough. As you can see this is a look into my soul when I was in the cocaine/Russian hooker/US Navy phase of my journey. The blue is the ocean when I was a US Navy officer. The red represents my eyeballs and the angst I felt when I was bounced out of the Navy after testing positive for cocaine 865 times. Bad patch for me. The green is the cheddar I received for this creative foray into the art world and the price. Tell me this baby isn’t worth $75,000. Shiiiiiit, I should double the price.
BRC: Not to be a downer, Hunter, but there are those who would say it is amateurish, has no context, no depth, no complexity, an undeveloped and grade-schoolish color palette, is just a bunch of forms with no organizing principle, and that it is worth nothing. And you would rebut them how?
HB: Listen to me, Big Red Car and all the assholes who are jealous of my work — CHA CHING, motherfuckers. Hear that? CHA CHING — that’s all the critics I care about. CHA CHING, motherfuckers.
BRC: So, what does the future hold for Hunter Biden the artiste?
HB: Look, I’ve done the hard stuff — gotten the media to bury the story and developed a good hustle. So, I’m going to milk this baby until even I can’t spend all the money. And, yeah, I’m going to gear this baby up. Get those Chinese artists to start popping out my masterpieces. I’m going to carefully study my pricing matrix and see how much I can milk out of a public that is enthralled with the quality of my work.
BRC: So, this is just the beginning of Hunter the Artiste?
HB: Hustlers gotta hustle, Big Red Car. Here, let me give you a glimpse of my first $1,000,000 painting for free. Tell me what you think, honestly. Don’t hold back.
BRC: It literally takes my breath away, Hunter. The sheer audacity of it.
HB: Yeah, me too.
Can you believe this is really happening, dear readers? In America? In 2021?
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.