If you were unfortunate enough to have watched the Presidential Debate Road Show that blew into Cleveland last night, then you will not be surprised when I opine it was a bloody 3-ring circus.

The debate starring POTUS Trump (a man who must swear off caffeinated coffee at night) featured a spirited chat with Chris Wallace (the supposed ringmaster who never got the assignment clear in his head). From time-to-time, former Vice President Joe Biden participated.

Chris Wallace managed to undue two generations of his own family’s involvement with both journalism and debate moderation in less than a minute. Though the debate was a 9-round 90 minute format, Chris lost control within ten seconds.

Chris is likely lying stunned in a thumb-sucking, fetal position trying to sort out the question for the ages: WTF just happened?

Here is how the Russian Judge scored the fight cards. The opinion of the Russian Judge is very important because, of course, the Russians are scheduled to spend another $70,000 in social media ads amongst the malestrom of $6B in election spending to influence the 2020 election.

Chris Wallace

The Russian Judge was brutal when it came to the performance of the moderator, Chris Wallace formerly of Fox News. The formal announcement of his resignation is scheduled for Friday afternoon.

 1. Wallace lost control of the debate in the second half of the 9th second of the extravaganza and never regained it.

 2. A goodly number of times, Mr. Wallace was confused, thinking himself to be one of the candidates.

 3. Mr. Wallace (a registered Democrat for decades, a supposed bit of highly classified info, but common knowledge) tried to run interference for Joe Biden, but it was an uphill battle all night.

 4. Old boy has probably ridden this “wise man of the news” pony as far as it can be ridden.

The Russian Judge ended by saying, “What a mullet. How could he have done any worse? Maybe we need to infiltrate a moderator from a reliable source, like Pravda?”

President Donald J Trump

POTUS of the United States, Donald J Trump performed thusly:

 1. The man gave evidence of a very painful case of crotch rot. He was in obvious pain that he tried to share with his opponents — former VP Biden and Chris Wallace — generously.

Gold Bond Powder will clear that right up, Mr. President.

 2. Orange Man was woefully unprepared. Where he could have coolly laid out a fact-based, point-by-point criticism of Mr. Biden’s looniness, he instead attacked like a Rottweiler.

[Do not get me wrong, a Rottweiler has its place. It was not Cleveland last night. Last night was a night to lay out differences in policies.]

 3. President Trump tied himself in knots in his eagerness to make his point often relieving the building pressure on former VP Biden, rescuing former VP Biden just as he was about to jump off a linguistic cliff, and generally making an ass of himself.

 4. Totally blew the Proud Boys Moment. He should have looked into the camera, put on his MSNBC Bitch Face and said through clenched teeth: “Screw the Proud Boys and the horse they rode in on. What did I just say, Chris? Joe? Yeah.”

Instead, he stepped on his own line trying to move three chess pieces forward — metaphorically — all at the same time.

 5. How does President Trump not work into the convo the impending peace in the Middle East? How many times will a POTUS be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize THREE TIMES? 

Give me a second, please. OK, I’m better now. Hugely missed opportunity.

 6. When harnessing the power of anger (or profanity for that matter), it is a condiment that is added to a main course. It is not the main course.

President Trump was appropriately angered by former VP Biden’s utterances, but he showcased his anger rather than using his angst to frame the main thrust.

 7. We learned something from Ronald Reagan — you can draw blood with humor as much as with a right cross.

When former VP Joe Biden said he was not a supporter of the Green New Deal, what would Ronald Reagan have said?

Humor spent the night in the Keys and failed to make a showing on either side.

The Russian Judge whispered, “This man, this Donald J Trump, is an acclaimed counter puncher, a man who can have the last word with elan and flair. This elegant counter puncher was MIA (missing in action) and where he might have allowed the Language Mangler to run with the snare for a bit before setting the hook, he didn’t give his opponent sufficient time to mangle the language resulting in former VP Biden performing at a far higher perceived level of competence than deserved. It was a horribly missed opportunity.”

Former Vice President Joe Biden

Former Vice President Joe Biden benefited from the lowest set of expectation for human performance ever set in any political endeavor. The Russian Judge scored it thusly:

 1. Joe Biden had his pulse and blood pressure checked before the debate and afterwards. His heart was still working afterward which was sufficient evidence to declare the former VP the winner by his supporters.

 2. Joe said he did not support the Green New Deal after embracing AOC and having missed the tidbit that his running mate, Senator Kamala Harris, had actually been a Senatorial co-sponsor of the Green Newness.

The Bernie Brotherhood is understandably quite irked by this statement.

 3. Joe said that Antifa was an “idea” rather than an organization which makes one wonder who all these people wearing black, rioting, committing arson, looting, destroying property, threatening violence, delivering violence, and generally acting the fool truly are.

Huge unforced error. Foot fault that broke an ankle.

 4. Can anyone tell me if any element of law enforcement actually supports the Biden candidacy? Chris Wallace threw a life line to Joe, but it was ugly. Defunding the police? Come on, man.

 5. Joe was a bit of a name caller tagging his opponent as a liar, a racist, and a clown. He told his opponent to “shut up.” [Allow me to throw off my transparent cape of wokeness and say, I like a little spunky, audacious word play at times.]

His proponents woke this morning suggesting this was not really offensive, but it was.

Every single mid-western soccer mom will use this to nullify the horrific conduct of the Orange Man proving that while two wrongs do not make a right, they also don’t sway a voter.

 5. Joe told a few lies, but who’s counting, right? But, the old boy truly mangled the entire Hunter Biden thing by suggesting it had been debunked.

Huh? It was just reported out by a Senate committee. Who debunked it? Donna Brazile? Jill? Nah, it’s a huge problem and, worse, it’s real.

Hunter Biden is the millstone about the neck of Joe Biden (former VP of the USA) that may sink him. Luckily, for Joe, President Orange blew it with his anger.

The Russian Judge concluded thusly: “Well, this Joe Biden chap did not have to do much to make his case, did he? Heart still beating looks like a win for his Joeness. The whole Antifa thing? Where was Joe headed on that one? Guy looked a little old and tired, but he managed to meet most of the the Orange Man’s thrusts and parries in obnoxiousness, a very high bar, indeed. On the whole, Joe Biden should still be in Florida (God’s Waiting Room) living out his Golden Years letting Hunter support him.”

Bottom line it, Big Red Car, cause I need a shower

“Clean up on Aisle Five, y’all?”

OK, here it is:

 1. This two minute format is like Chris Christie wearing skinny jeans — not a good look. It just doesn’t work, it breeds interruptions, and it doesn’t get anywhere near policy.

 2. Just give each side the questions and let them speak — uninterrupted. Sit at a table and have some tomato juice and salty snacks for them to munch on to cut down on the interruptions.

 3. Is Joe Rogan available to moderate and can he bring a couple of MMA guys to “help” with the interruptions?

 4. Everybody who watched the debate will be getting a Stimulus Payment to offset the loss of 10 points of IQ. This debate made everyone dumber. And, let’s be honest, most of us don”t have any IQ points we can sacrifice right now.

 5. Why is America choosing between two old, white, angry guys? In 2020?

 6. There will be two more debates and we can expect both sides to learn from their mistakes. Maybe you can do some actual debate prep, Mr. President?

 7. In the age of #MeToo, we hear no questions about Tara Reade? Google her.

 8. Why does the NYT get to drop a tax return bomb — unsubstantiated, unsourced, uncorroborated — two days before the debate and the moderator feels compelled to lead with that?

 9. How does Chris Wallace pretend to discuss foreign policy and fail to discuss three Nobel Peace Prize nominations? How?

OK, that’s it. This debate is over. On to 15th October, oh yeah!

But, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.