The Republican Clown Show

Last night the Republican circus was in town (well on the telly) and treated us all to a third grade, jungle gym display of tripe.

“Clearly, I have better hair than Senator Scott, right?”

I watched every minute of it whilst surfing my phone. It was a total waste of time and a mind-numbing, sophomoric display of nonsense though I think I could smell the elephant scat which was a nice touch.

What’s your beef, Big Red Car?

OK, dear reader, here’s my beef:

 1. The issue at hand is selecting the nominee of the Republican party to run against the Democrat nominee (who will not be Joe Biden, y’all) for the highest elected office in the country, a job once held by George NMI Washington, for goodness sake.

 2. This display had the gravitas of a drunken cock fight wherein both the cocks and the patrons were drinking tequila and not the good stuff.

 3. The format is silly — how does one learn anything about a candidate and their positions with a series of imprecise questions and forced, baited-breath, memorized answers with rehearsed punchlines?

 4. The bickering? Oh my God, the name calling, the speaking over each other, the yelling, the zingers, the pettiness? I wouldn’t vote for any of those morons based on that display of childish behavior.

 5. The rehearsed, written jokes? Talking to you Chris “Jabba” Christie — DONALD DUCK? Really, big fella? That’s all you’ve got?

“That was funny, right? Right? Donald Duck, get it?”

Lamest, dullest, poorly delivered faux joke in political history. How ab0ut that expectant view of Camper Chris as he waited for the audience reaction and suddenly realized he’d laid a huge turd?

 6. How about the question — “Who gets voted off the island?”

Dana, Dana, Dana — WTF were you thinking?

 7. It could have been me, but I could not understand the Univision reporter Ilia Calderon. I am sure that’s a racist comment and a crime against humanity, but I could not understand the chica. On me, as I said.

So, what’s the solution, Big Red Car, you obnoxious know-it-all prick?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dear reader. Lighten up.

Here’s what we should consider:

 1. Let’s have a serious debate about the issues, shall we?

 2. On two consecutive nights (half the field on each  night), we allow each candidate 20 minutes to lay out the following:

His/her life story

His/her experience pertinent to the job

What he/she believes are the issues of importance to the American people

How he/she will deal with those issues from a policy perspective

An unstructured conversation on anything

 3. The candidates can pick to sit at a table, sit in a seating group, stand, and can use a PowerPoint presentation if they so desire — I would love them to do this.

 4. After the presentation, a single moderator (imagine William Buckley at his prime — you young folk have no idea who WB is, but that’s OK) would ask them questions about their presentation, just their presentation.

That’s it. No “got you” questions. No name calling, insults, cross talk, zingers — just an adult conversation about the candidate, the issues, and the policies to address those issues.

Oh, yeah, no audience. No applause.

This would, of course, mimic how a President actually governs from the Oval Office which is, after all, what the job interview is all about.

Second event, Big Red Car?

This could then be broadened to a second such event — two nights as before — as follows:

 1. Image a huuuuuuge table like in the Cabinet Room at the White House which is where such discussions will happen if any of these folks is actually elected.

 2. Candidate picks five topics, as examples: Ukraine, China, military preparedness, the economy, immigration, education, energy, LGBQT/transgender men in women’s sports, abortion, environment/climate change, electric vehicles, election security/cheating, term limits/age/competency testing, weaponization of government, and the performance of Joe Biden and his administration.

 3. The candidate can use any presentation materials he/she might desire. The candidate speaks for fifteen minutes dividing his/her time as they desire, but on only 5 topics.

 4. Moderator — who will know the topics ahead of time — will ask five questions of the candidate and the candidate will answer them — two minutes each?

 5. No interplay amongst the candidates unless the moderator asks a question.

Again, civilized, orderly, conveying substantial issue-oriented information.

Third event, Big Red Car?

Maybe we have a third event which is centered on this question: “Can you make a closing argument as to why you are the best candidate to receive the Republican nomination?”

Candidate gets 10 minutes.

Bottom line it, Big Red Car

What happened last night was a travesty. We need to approach the nomination of a Republican candidate for the election as serious business.

Last night made Donald Trump look smart because he didn’t get down in the mosh pit with the maniacs. He’s no saint, but he made the right call.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car though I can vote.

We can do better than this. If the Republicans don’t do better than this they will lose the election. The electorate is angry.