In a surprise move, President-elect Joe Biden — plain Old Joe from Scranton — announced he is disbanding the US Army’s elite 75th Ranger Regiment composed of three battalions and replacing them with a gaggle of social workers.
Rangers, of course, lead the way when it comes to smoting America’s enemies and are an elite unit with an inspiring combat record in America’s wars since World War II.
President-elect Biden made the following statement,
“Look, man, it isn’t that big a deal. We’re going to stand down the Ranger Regiment and replace them with five thousand social workers. In the future when we find a nest of terrorists which in the past we would have sent the Ranger Regiment in to smote, now we send in the social workers to dialogue with the terrorists, get to the bottom of their feelings, find out why they hate us, break bread with them, and throw a few bucks their direction to change the optics of things. We will also be offering software training to any terrorists who want to take a new direction with their lives. Going to be a terrific.”
When asked, “Who thinks this is a good idea?” President-elect Biden said, “Come on, man, this is the new way. It’s going to work fine. Me and Kamala think it’s a terrific idea. AOC, Nancy — huge idea.”
“When do you intend to initiate this new approach, Mr. President-elect?”
“We already have. I know we aren’t in charge yet — do not tell the Orange Man — but we sent a team of social workers in to deal with a terror cell in Kenya.”
“How’s it going?”
“So, far, we we can’t tell. We dropped them in and haven’t heard a word since then. It’s only been a month. Got a couple of ransom calls. What’s that all about?”
“How will the social workers be armed, Mr. President-elect?”
“Well, where in the past we sent Rangers in with rifles and Fairbairn-Sykes commando knives, the social workers will be going in with Moleskine notebooks and 0.5mm fine tip pens that we made a great buy on from Amazon. Mostly blue ink.”
“So, you really think this can work?”
“Come on, man. It’s a no-brainer. Little dialoguing, remember everybody’s birthday, couple of monthly follow up visits, maybe a town hall over there on CNN — what could go wrong?”
“What happens to all the former Rangers?”
“I’m going to offer them a terrific software training program — make them all software engineers.”
Well, dear reader, there you have it — Rangers used to lead the way, but for now in a Biden admin it’s social workers.
“Gotta think outside the box in a Biden administration, kid,” President-elect Biden said. “Outside the box. Hey, wait a second, what box am I talking about?”