The Debt Ceiling Faux Crisis 2023 Edition

It is that time of the political cycle to pretend we have a debt ceiling crisis. The sky is falling!

Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen — who has been wrong on every substantive issue thus far including her huge boner on “transitory” inflation — says the government will run out of money on 1 June, so we have a crisis!

OK, so I blew it on inflation, but we do have a debt ceiling CRISIS! Trust me. This is my serious look.

OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG — whew that is exhausting.

Of course, the Feds never run out of money, they just have less money and can’t pay all their bills as they come due.

So how will this turn out, Big Red Car?

It will turn out as it always does:

 1. The Democrats will bludgeon the Republicans for creating the debt ceiling crisis.

 2. The Republicans will pretend to be adults and “do the right thing” while just moving the pieces around the game board and looking grave.

 3. The Republicans will have impromptu press conferences at which they will all say the same thing. You will note how poorly the Republican women dress.

 4. As the 1 June 2023 witching hour date comes closer and closer and Wall Street begins to moan like a banshee “This will wreck the economy!” the President (80 years old) and Mitch McConnell (81 years old) will drink coffee and shoot the shit in the Oval Office.

Two sleazy old white guys who both should be in Florida on the beach in God’s Waiting Room.

 5. Mitch, who should really just change parties, will twist the arm of all the Republicans saying how bad this could be for the brand — haha, the BRAND, as if — if they actually did their job.

He will capitulate to whatever the Dems want because he is an establishment iconic toad.

Speaker of the House McCarthy will claim victory while looking like a guy who came in third in a cage match.

 6. Mitch will cave. Biden will say something particularly inane and unintelligible — NO JOKE! The can will be kicked down the road.

 7. The Democrats will try to get a deal that raises the debt ceiling beyond the next presidential election. Mitch will help them.

You’re a cynic, Big Red Car, why?

We’ve been here before and this is always the way it works out — the Republicans get rolled because, face it, they have no cojones and are just as much a part of the problem as the Dems.

Sorry. Not sorry.

Tell me where I’m wrong. I am taking bets — cheeseburgers for the stakes. Bet me.

Fat, juicy cheeseburger — let’s bet!

It will all be fine. But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.