Ivan, Have I Got A Deal For YOU!

You are a young Russian in vocational school learning to become a BMW/Mercedes mechanic and a guileful, well-dressed, Russian recruitment officer comes to your school and says, “May I please have a word with you? Ivan, have I got a deal for you!”

“Oh, Russian recruitment officer, I am quite content here in my training to become a BMW/Mercedes mechanic. Thank you, but no thank you.”

“Please Ivan, hear me out. I know you are a patriot and your Mother Russia and Vladimir Putin himself — he mentioned you by name, comrade — require your assistance as cannon fodder a patriotic soldier in Ukraine. You are a patriot, yes?”

Vladimir Putin stages faux visit to “wounded” Russian soldiers in hospital. Same guy in both pics?

“I am as patriotic as the next Orc, comrade; OK, what’s the deal?”

“Ah, Ivan I can offer you the following package:

Signing bonus of $3,800 on the spot when you sign your contract to become a soldier for two years;

Guaranteed payment of $2,500 per month, every month;

In Ukraine, you will receive $100/day combat pay which is more than $3,000 per month, comrade,

If you are a member of an assault team and you penetrate and hold a kilometer of Ukrainian soil (good luck with that, Ivan), you will receive $650 for every such kilometer seized.”

“I’ve heard reports of similar financial inducements and the inability to actually receive them. How do I know I will get anything?”

“Malcontents are found in every army, comrade. Ignore them. Putin himself has promised you will receive what you deserve. Putin himself. If you cannot trust the duly elected President of Russia, who can you trust? I personally promise you you will receive your promised rewards. I promise.”

“Sounds interesting. What would I do, Russian recruitment officer?”

“Ahh, comrade, we will give you a rifle (hopefully one that works, but no guaranty as to ammunition) and almost no training, with inadequate leadership, and a flawed plan, and you will join your similarly patriotic comrades and reason with the Ukrainians as to their rejoining their brothers in Russia. Glorious undertaking.”

“Haven’t hundreds of thousands of Russians been killed or wounded in action? I’ve seen many men my age horribly maimed and disfigured.”

“Some have, but there’s more. I can also offer you, if you are killed or wounded:

Your children will be admitted to the nation’s best vocational schools, colleges, and universities;

Your children will receive tuition waivers;

You will receive favorable income tax treatment and loan repayment provisions;

If you are killed or wounded, there will be a generous payment to your heirs; and,

You will forever be a patriotic veteran of the great empire nation of Russia.

Putin himself will be grateful.”

“That is an attractive package, Russian recruitment officer, but aren’t we just hemorrhaging KIAs and WIAs and MIAs and POWs? Why did we start this special military operation in the first place?”

“Taming the neo-Nazis our brothers in Ukraine has been a challenge, comrade. In fact, the West initiated these hostilities. I will not lie to you.”

“Why¬† aren’t the 300,000 man April and September drafts of 18-27 year olds sufficient for the army’s needs, Russian recruitment officer?”

“We need more cannon fodder patriots. Like you, comrade. This is a very special, special military operation.”

“Thank you. May I take a few days to consider your attractive officer, Russian recruitment officer?”

“Yes, of course. Until you do give me a favorable response, Ivan, I will hold your draft card for safekeeping and, please, do not leave the region.”

“Haven’t more than 1,200,000 draft eligible men left the country and fled to neighboring countries to avoid the draft?”

“These men did not properly understand the opportunity to serve Mother Russia and our glorious leader Vladimir Putin, Ivan. It is their loss.”

Is this for real, Big Red Car?

The conversation is, of course, not real, but the inducements to join the Russian army to go be killed in Ukraine are very real.

The Russians are in a manpower crunch to support what has become a very unpopular war with massive casualties they have to make up, a 300,000 man mobilization they admit to, a 500,000 man mobilization they think is a secret, a yearly two tranche “normal” draft of 300,000 half in April and half in September, and now this.

Bottom line it, Big Red Car

The Russians are being slaughtered and have to make up combat losses. They are in a pickle.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.

“Saint Olga, patron saint of Kyiv, steady the resolve of your people, give them the grace to prevail in the face of naked evil, make their weapons shoot straight as they harvest the souls of the invading Orcs. Bless them with victory.”