Oh, my God, please learn how to give a toast.

So, I’m with a few pals in a festive mood — summer in Texas is a festive occasion. Why not?

I offer a toast and somebody looks at me and says, “I’ve never given a toast. How do you do that?”

When I stop laughing, I ask, “You’re serious?”

He says, “Yes. Deadly.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Image result for leonardo dicaprio giving toast

Here are a few toasts for those in search of love or caught in mid-seduction. Just write them down on an index card. Carry them with you. Practice in front of a mirror.

“May we love as long as we live, and live as long as we love.”

“Here’s to love, the only fire against which there is no insurance.”

“To the land we love, and the love we land.”

Related image

I like the patriotic flavor of the last one.

Here’s a bawdy one:

“We drink to the girls who do!
We drink to the girls who don’t!
But I refuse to drink to the girls
Who say they will when they won’t!”

If you are in the company of Marines, use this one:

“God gave you muscles of steel, nerves of iron, tongues of silver, hearts of gold, necks of leather — to the United States Marine Corps!”

If you are in the company of businessmen:

“May our leaders be wise, and commerce increase,
And may we all experience the prosperity of peace.”

If you are in the company of politicians:

“Here’s to the politician — a person who straddles an issue when he isn’t dodging one.”

“Here’s to our Mayor — a man who stands for what he thinks we will fall for.”

If you are focused on prosperity:

“Here’s to caviar when you’re hungry,
Champagne when you’re dry,
All the women you might ever desire,
And Heaven when you die.”

If you are at your 50th reunion:

“Here’s a toast to all who are here,
No matter where you’re from,
May the best day you have ever seen
Be worse than the worst to come.”

“May our coffins be made from the finest wood of a hundred year old tree that we plant tomorrow.”

If you are asked to introduce a speaker at an event:

“To our speaker — may he rise to the occasion and sit down thereafter.”

“Here’s to our illustrious speaker — may her speech be like a pencil and have a point.”

If you are focused on the passage of time:

“Don’t worry about the future,
The present is all thou hast,
The future will soon be present,
And the present will soon be past.”

“May we always look forward with pleasure, and backward without regret.”

If you are amongst dispensers of advice and wisdom:

“May you live to learn well, and learn to live well.”

“Good, better, best,
Never let it rest,
Till your good is better,
And you better best.”

When thanking a generous donor:

“To our benefactor — who came forward when we needed him most, proving the old saying ‘When it gets dark enough, you will see the stars.’ Thank you.”

When drinking to your enemies:

“May the Devil cut the toes off all our foes,
That we may know them by their limping.”

“May all their teeth fall out save one that they may enjoy a toothache.”

“May we be happy and our enemies know it.”

“Champagne to all our true friends, and true pain to all our sham friends. Drink up, lads.”

To income taxes:

“We know it is true that we’re wicked,
That our criminal laws are lax;
But here’s to punishment for the man
Who invented the income tax.”


“May we strengthen the weak,
Give light to the blind,
Clothe the naked,
And be friends to mankind.”

If you are a speaker:

“Thanks for your cordial, which was welcome; and for your welcome, which was cordial.”


“Grab your pens, boys, because history is written by the winners.”

“To the profound ignorance which we each brought to this endeavor; because had we know what was ahead, we never would have started.”

OK, so you get the idea. Offer a damn toast. Memorize it. Close your eyes. Hold your glass up. Spew it forth.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Here’s to you:

“May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be squarely at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rain fall soft upon your fields,
May you be in Heaven half an hour before the Devil knows you’re gone.”