So, I get a call from the Bloomberg campaign saying that Mike wants to sit down and chat about the campaign as he is “reassessing” things post-Super Tuesday.
We visit in Austin, Texas (also known as Tejas) when he flies in on one of his Dassault Falcon 900s — he owns three of them.
“So, Mike, should we start with the planes? You own how many planes?”
“No, howdy, Big Red Car?” Mike laughs. “Sure, I own three Dassault Falcons 900s, very sweet planes. That’s a $45,000,000 plane plus upgrades. Costs almost $3,000,000 a year each to own. Very nice plane. Then, I have a Beechcraft King Air B300 — twin engine plane. Very cost effective to operate. Let’s see. There’s my Pilatus PC-24, Swiss plane. That’s the top end of single engine planes. Then, I have a Cessna 182 Skylane, I use for sight seeing with the high wing.”
“Are you a pilot, Mike?”
“Yes. Been a pilot — fixed wing and helicopter — for a long time. I don’t fly the left seat on any of the big planes, but I fly the Pilatus a lot. Not as much as I’d like to. Oh, I also have a couple of helicopters including an Airbus and an aW109. So, I’d like to fly more, but I’ve been very busy.”
“With what?” asks your Big Red Car.
“You may have noticed I’m running for the Democratic presidential nomination. That’s taking all my time.”
“How’s that going, Mike?”
“To be blunt, not too well. I suppose you want to make fun of me for all the money I’ve spent. I’m in for more than $750,000,000 as of right now with substantial future advertising, promotional, real estate, and staff commitments. It’s been expensive.”
“And the results so far? How does that feel?”
“You know I skipped the first four contests — Iowa, God those stinking caucuses. God, I hate Iowa — why would anyone live in that God forsaken place? Then New Hampshire, Bernie country. Nevada, more caucuses. South Carolina. You’d think that Joe Biden lived in South Carolina. So, since then — Alabama, I took 11.6%. Arkansas 16.7%. California 14.4%. Colorado 20.8%. Maine 12%. Massachusetts 11.8%. Minnesota 8.3%. North Carolina 13% — spent a bloody fortune in North Carolina. Very disappointing. Oklahoma 13.9%. Tennessee 15.9%. Picked up seven delegates in Tennessee. Texas 14.7%. Utah 16.9%. Vermont 9.4%. Virginia 9.7%. Very disappointed in Virginia, spent a ton of money for nothing.”
“So, any bright spots?”
“I won American Samoa. When they told me I won all five of the delegates from American Samoa, know what I said?”
“No, sir, please tell us.”
“I said, ‘Where the fuck is American Samoa and why do they get delegates to the Democrat convention? Sorry.” There was a discernible hurt on his face, and I felt bad for him.
“So, Mr. Mayor, I have to ask you — where do you go from here? Is there a path to victory for Mike Bloomberg?”
Mike stood up to his full 5’4″ height, cleared his throat, rubbed his face.
“Look, Big Red Car, I asked you to visit with me because I wanted to make a huuuuuuuge announcement. I’m out.”
“Oh, my God, Mike Bloomberg. You’re withdrawing from the race? Pulling the plug? Cancelling the campaign?”
“I’m out, Big Red Car. Finito. I’m going to lay down for Joe Biden. Look, I was a dumbass to get in in the first place. That idiot Donald makes it all look so easy, I thought — why can’t I do it? Well, it turns out it isn’t all that damn easy after all.”
“So, Mr. Mayor — you’re out and endorsing Joe Biden?”
“What are you, stupid? I spent almost a billion dollars to win 18 delegates. I got beaten like a rented mule. The voters gave me a barbed wire enema. I’m out. Done humiliating myself. I quit. I got smoked. I endorse that demented old cockroach, Joe Biden. That’s it.”
“Well, Mike, I appreciate you giving me the scoop. Thank you, sir.”
“Get out of here, you Big Red Car. Hey, I might want to buy a nice 1966 Impala convertible. You for sale?”
“Mike, you don’t have that kind of money, babe.”
We both had a nice laugh, because Mike could buy a lot of 1966 Impala convertibles, but he isn’t going to be President of the United States. Good luck, Mike. You survived one whole day of primaries. Bon voyage!
So, there you have it, Mike Bloomberg is headed home to one of his twelve homes to recuperate. Fun fact: One of Bloomberg’s dozen homes is in TRUMP TOWER on Park Avenue. Haha.
“You won’t have Mike Bloomberg to kick around, you dopes. Adios!”
As we exit from the Bloomberg story, it is worth noting that this guy spent more than a billion dollars running for office:
Mayoral Run #1 — $73,391,461
Mayoral Run #2 — $85,000,000 <<< ran ads in English, Spanish, Russian, Mandarin, and Urdu
Mayoral Run #3 — $108,371,685.01
Dem POTUS nomination — $750,000,000
He has also spent more than $500,000,000 on his political causes including gun control and pursuit of a Dem Congress.
So, there you have it, dear reader. Another Big Red Car scoop.