In the recent annals of Chinese apologia stand two giants: Jamie Dimon and Ray Dalio. Allow me to elaborate.

Jamie Dimon – Chairman/CEO of America’s largest bank and billionaire

“This is my big bad wolf look. I am the Jamie Dimon, Chairman/CEO of America’s largest bank. I am a freakin’ billionaire. I take shit from nobody. Well, except the Chinese to whom I will give a belly rub at the drop of a hat, but I’m still a powerful badass, except when the Chinese tell me to jump and I ask, ‘How high?’ on the way up. Grrrr!”

Jamie Dimon made an enormous faux pas recently when he said that his bank, JPMorgan, would last longer than the Chinese Communist Party. It went something like this:

“I made a joke the other day that the Communist Party is celebrating its 100th year — so is JP Morgan. . . . . . I’d bet that we last longer. . . . . . I can’t say that in China. They are probably listening anyway.”

The lapdog crowd laughed, but the Chinese recoiled immediately — they are stupendously thin skinned and sensitive. Government backed media organ Global Times newspaper editor-in-chief, Hu Xijin tweeted:

“Think long-term! And I bet the CPC [Chinese Communist Party] will outlast the USA.”

Not to be outdone CCP Foreign Ministry spokesperson Zhao Lijian (a real peace of work in the Baghdad Bob mold) said, “Why the publicity stunt with some grandstanding remarks?”

Of course, JPMorgan had just received permission in August 2021 to become the first full foreign owner of a securities brokerage in China.

Jamie Dimon apologized, cut open his left wrist, offered to name a couple of grandchildren-to-be-named “Xi,” agreed to wash/wax the cars at the Chinese Consulate in New York City, and to learn Mandarin.

Next time Xi comes to town, Jamie and President-for-Life are getting Chinese take out and chat about this. [Jamie always picks up the tab.]

Ray Dalio – hedge fund giant

“Come on, man, can’t a billionaire hedge fund manager catch a break? Sure I love China and what the Hell’s wrong with a little genocide or some organ harvesting? A guy has got to make a buck.”

Ray Dalio is the brilliant billionaire founder of the largest hedge fund in the world (since 2005), Bridgewater Associates. For 46 years, he has held center stage and has guided his hedge fund into China.

When recently asked to discuss China’s troublesome antics, he described the Chinese Communists as “strict parents.”

Genocide of Uyghers? Strict parentage.

Crushing the aspirations of Hong Kong, breaking the “One China, Two Systems” agreement? Strict parents disciplining wayward children.

Threatening Japan with nuclear destruction? Perfectly understandable — strict parents.

Invading Taiwan to bring it back into the fold? You guessed it — strict parents doing what strict parents everywhere must do.

Dalio’s Bridgewater Associates, $223B under management as of July 2021, announced the launch of  its Bridgewater (China) Investments Management fund which will be based in China and invest in China. They are currently fundraising in China.

So what, Big Red Car?

Here’s the so what — both of these greedy oafs have made their bones and their money under the American Dream version of good old fashioned capitalism. They are high priests in that cult.

But, they want to make more money — so much more that they will betray American values, perform gratuitous acts of support and obeisance to the despotic rulers of Communist China, and show weakness in the face of bullying.

Nobody can be bullied who refuses to kiss the ring of the bullies. These guys are weak, greedy, and unmanly. [Luckily, under current social mores, they can both use the ladies room and be comfortable.]

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car — made in America, proud to be an American, prepared to defend America, and not afraid to call evil EVIL.

Have a great week.

“Here’s to the Big Red Car. I may have to crush you, but I like your style.”