Big Red Car here on a very bright Monday morning with a very bright new idea — Rent A Ranger.

So, the Big Red Car is a libertine of sorts. On the other hand, the Big Red Car thinks this sexual predatory climate in Silicon Valley/Alley/Gulch/Plains/Mountains, etc. is out of control.

The solution — which the Big Red Car has been all over since the start — is for an afflicted woman to send their big brother to “reason” with the transgressor. The transgressor wants this service to get him back on the straight and narrow. [OK, maybe not.]

But, Big Red Car, how about if a lady doesn’t have a Big Brother? What then?

Ahhhh, dear reader, you have identified the pain point which the Big Red Car seeks to relieve — voila — Rent A Ranger.COM at your service, mademoiselle.

Rent A Ranger, The Pain Point

Every startup has to solve an unsolved problem, disrupt some fat cats, build a better mousetrap, or relieve a pain point.

Rent A Ranger will solve the problem of women who are wronged by gender/sexual predators and who do not have a Big Brother who can assist them with it.

Women in tech are saying, “Hey, that Big Red Car is talking about me.”

Yes, beloved techtress, I am.

Who can join Rent A Ranger, Big Red Car?

Membership on the buy side is limited to women who are employed in tech or trying to be employed in tech.

There are two essential ingredients: women, tech.

This is not Burger King and you cannot have it your way, cher. Women. Tech.

Now, let’s be clear. The target market is women who have been harassed at work, women who have been hit on while trying to raise funding, women who are trying to break into the VC world and find out their interview is going to be a little more intimate than they are comfortable with. How about women who can’t seem to get promoted because of gender bias?

Where do the Rent A Ranger services come from, Big Red Car?

The services — we will discuss those later — are provided by former Army Rangers, former Army Special Forces brethren (those of the Green Beret), and former SEALs. We call this the “sell side” of the transaction. [We are also considering Marines, but they’re so … you know. Right?]

You may ask why I called the new company Rent A “Ranger”? It was for the cheap alliterative appeal, like Rent The Runway. Get it?

So, yes, on the sell side we have Rangers, Green Berets, and SEALs. [Like I said, maybe later on, Marines.]

If you are not familiar with these gents, then you may be assured they fall into the general category of BADASSES.

They are all well versed in hand-to-hand combat which may become useful as we develop the concept.

What exactly are the Rent A Ranger services, Big Red Car?

The program of services is under development, but the first pass looks like this:

 1. Stern text message discussing the transgression and suggesting alternative solutions;

 2. Stern email discussing the transgression, suggesting alternative solutions, and introducing the notion of penalties (the penalty matrix) for failure to comply;

 3. Phone call with script which identifies the parties, the transgression, suggested alternative solutions, the penalty matrix, and promises a face-to-face followup;

 4. Face-to-face “reasoning session” during which the script from the phone call is followed, but with a bit of muscle flexing and, perhaps, a slap; and,

 5. A beat down of the small, medium, large, XXL variety — this is a little controversial (and illegal?) so it is being considered, but it is not a firm “go” yet. [The Big Red Car figures it will be fine once the lawyers take a look at it. We’ll see. There is also some thought to coordinating the program with the target’s health care insurance situation. The whole healthcare angle is distressing and complex.]

I want you to think of this as as “continuum of custom services” from which you may pick a starting point. Sort of like a Chinese restaurant menu. The starting point decision will be made in consultation with your Ranger.

Most ladies will want to follow an “escalation” approach, testing for results at each junction as the services become more tailored — we wanted to work the word “bespoke” in somewhere and I think we missed our chance — to the situation.

There will also be opportunities to customize the services, but that will cost extra.

[Allow me to inject a word of caution. Customers are discouraged from developing personal relationships with the Rangers. This is not Tinder, y’all. Behave, please.]

Rent A Ranger, how much, Big Red Car?

The pricing strategy is as follows:

 1. Initial subscription fee of $50. This is a one time fee which is used to put the customer into the database and to do some simple geosynchronous planning to ensure we have talent where you are located. I have to warn you that membership may be limited at some future day, so you are going to want to pay that $50 and get into the DB as soon as you can. Trust me on this one.

 2. The services are then priced and charged on an “as used” basis.

Services #1-3 above are priced at $100/each. There is a surcharge of 50% for weekend work or if there are languages involved.

Services #3-4 are priced at the time of service and will include all transportation fees.

Call backs are also priced at the time of service.

3. In addition, any woman who uses the service is required to review, grade, and evaluate both the Ranger and the service as well as opining as to the quality and efficacy of the service. This will be used to grade the Rangers and will be used in the future to offer a premium service by those Rangers whose work is deemed by the customer base to be the most effective.

Rent A Ranger, how does it work, Big Red Car?

OK, you figured out Uber — Boober, haha, bit of irony, no? Boober! — so you can figure out Rent A Ranger. Smartphone iOS and Android app, y’all.

Same kind of customer friendly user interface. You touch the app icon on your smartphone, you identify a service you require, you see who is available in your zip code, you check them out (photos, background, references, testimonials, military record), and you pick one.

Your credit card gets debited and you get a call within thirty minutes from the Ranger you have selected. Y’all chat about the requested service [be ready with names, locations, and other identifying scars or birthmarks].

Y’all agree on the service, schedule it, and the rest is up to your Big Brother, the Ranger (or Green Beret, or SEAL, maybe a Marine).

When they finish their work, you get a confirming text and a call, if you want one. There may also be a link to a news article if you have selected service #5. It happens. There may be medical reports. We’re wrestling with HIPPA on that one.

You have five days to evaluate the service or there is another fee of $50. Hey, we want those evaluations, ladies. Work with us.

How is Rent A Ranger being funded, Big Red Car?

Ahhh, dear reader, the Big Red Car is issuing a cryptocurrency token to be called “The Beat Down Coin” which we be subject to a SAFT (Simple Agreement for Future Tokens). This is just a detail, but rest assured that you are going to want to own some of this cryptocurrency stuff, cher. Believe me. The big play may be the cryptocurrency token.

When does Rent A Ranger launch, Big Red Car?

OK, there is a lot of work to do, but we’re looking at launching in a week. Sure, that’s sort of quick, but I need to get those Beat Down Coins sold, y’all, and I can’t really sell them unless I have something to sell.

OK, so there you have it, dear readers. Rent A Ranger.COM. Tell your friends. Give someone a few Beat Down Coins for their birthday and join up. A gift membership is also available. We’re expecting to do gangbusters business around Christmas and full moons.

As it turns out, we have already signed up our first client.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Hey, this could be huge! As soon as I get this deal off the ground, I am going back to trying to legalize dueling again — LEGALIZE DUELING!