Big Red Car here on an early Thursday morning. Hey, it’s Thursday and who doesn’t love Thursday? Let’s talk gravitas, shall we? [No, gravitas is not something you eat on a toasted bagel with capers and chopped onion. Sorry.]
So, the Trump administration has begun to engage with the Russians.
The first notable engagement was the launch of sixty Tomahawk cruise missiles to strike client state Syria. [The Trump admin launched SIXTY and only FIFTY-NINE made it to the target. Hey, Raytheon dudes, can we get a refund on the one that went swimming?]
The Tomahawk cruise missile — when you care enough to send the very best. A thousand pounds of explosive love and gravitas.
When you cruise missile a sovereign country on the first date, that sends a certain message as to the seriousness of your intentions. No? Stuff is getting real and fast. Hang on.
Thugs, Russian Thugs
Russia is a little country (same size economy as Italy), but they are some major league thugs. If they did not possess nuclear weapons, they would cause as much trouble to the world as, well, Italy.
This is a country which invaded Georgia (not the SEC conference Dawgs, the other Georgia over by Russia), Afghanistan, and Crimea. Russia bluffed the Obama administration out of deploying a missile defense shield in Europe. Bluffed them like a big dog. [Barack told Vlad he’d have a lot more “flexibility” after the election.]
Why are the Russians such a bunch of shitheads, you ask?
Not serious foreign policy, no gravitas
The Russians are such thugs because nobody has checked them. Nobody meaning this guy, former President Barack “Red Line” Obama. This guy punished them by forbidding them access to Disney Land (was it Disney LAND or Disney WORLD? Sheesh. It wasn’t much, was it?).
Hey, listen, Barack. I took Crimea. WTF are you going to do about it? I don’t give a shit about whether I can go to Disney Land or not. You want another wedgie? Huh? I’ve got another one for you right here, pal.
President Putin used to steal President Obama’s lunch money on the international stage. He would also give him a wedgie.
Do you remember the giggly RE-SET BUTTON affair when our new, chic Secretary of State had all the fun with the Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov? [OK, I admit using the word “chic” in the same sentence with Hillary Clinton is a stretch, but go along with it, please. I promise not to do it again.]
“Haha, you clowns. Reset this! We’re taking Crimea and you can stick your reset button where the sun don’t shine.” What a goofy stunt by a goofy Secretary of State.
When you beclown your foreign policy, thugs like Vladimir Putin will take advantage of you. He is a monster and we are trying to use a deodorant spray to make him smell better, when what he needs is the Tomahawk cruise missile. He understands that.
Gravitas, serious foreign policy
The foreign policy team of the Trump administration is not a bunch of giggly lightweights with reset buttons. They are serious Alpha Male guys who know which restroom to use and aren’t fooling around.
The President is a loud mouthed bully — in the nicest sense of the word, mind you. He is a guy who is not afraid to call bullshit on America’s enemies and he is prepared to lean forward in his saddle. He will not telegraph his punches and, yes, he will punch you. He took out 20% of Syria’s air force, a good step toward a no-fly zone by attrition.
In a single week, he goes from being Vladimir Putin’s best friend and confidant to a guy heading the US to a war with Russia because he is not carrying Vlad’s water. [You have to give the lefties high marks for being able to pivot on a dime and for flexibility.]
The Secretary of State was running Exxon Mobil a year ago and knows something about Russia.
The Secretary of Defense is a Marine four star guy named “Mad Dog.” Whoever has a Secretary of Defense [Big Red Car thinks it should be changed to the Secretary of OFFENSE, but that’s just me, y’all. Let’s call it the way we see it, no?] named Mad Dog is going to have a lot of freakin’ gravitas.
Test question — quick, who is the Russian Secretary of Defense equivalent? Is he called Mad Dog? See what I did there? Yeah.
So, there you have, dear readers. This guy
OK, Vlad, little skeptical on all this Syria baloney. May have to send you a few more Tomahawks to get your thinking right. But, hey, I sent you the best. The Tomahawk cruise missile when you care enough to send the very best. Come on, Vlad.
is dealing with this crazy guy. [Pro tip: When guys take to strutting about with their nipples showing, you’re dealing with the thug life. Deal with it and deal with them — fiercely. They understand fierce.]
Haha, I’m leaning forward in MY saddle, Big Red Car. I’m a little guy on a little horse having a good time screwing with the world. And check out my pert little nipples. I can etch glass with these babies. [Dream on, Vlad. This shit is just about over.]
Gravitas, Big Red Car?
OK, let’s review things. Here is the old regime.
Here is the enemy. Yes, just like Mitt Romney said, our greatest geopolitical foe is this guy.
This is our new guy.
You don’t need a caption cause you get it, right? This is a guy who brought something to the White House which has been missing for eight years — COJONES. Oh, yeah, gravitas. Don’t forget the gravitas.
This is our old guy, who likes to pal around with Communist dictators with band-aids on their hands.
My name is Raul Castro. My big brother, Fidel, was a Communist dictator running Cuba, half an hour from Key West, for a century. This clown, Barack “Red Line” Obama told us we can be friends and we get to do the same stuff we’ve been doing all along — oppressing our people and other stuff like that. Who is this clown?
So, there you have it, dear reader. Gravitas. Go long on gravitas.
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Be good to yourself. You deserve it. Celebrate the core of Christianity this Sunday. He is risen and we are saved!
