Predictions made by a Big Red Car, who has an uncanny ability to see the future and to keep you informed about it, y’all. Here goes.
The year 2017 is going to be YOUR year, dear reader. This year, you hang the moon, run the table, draw successfully to the inside straight, and you win. Winning — 2017 is going to be a great year to be a winner.
Ahh, and here it is, y’all.
Politics
Turns out that Donald J Trump is successfully inaugurated and becomes President which irritates a lot of #NeverTrump folks but they’ll get over it by 2020. Remember, Trump will NEVER get the nomination.
Trump forges an effective relationship with the Congress and, after repealing more than ten Obama Era Executive Orders, gets tax reform through while the Congress returns to regular order.
The Trump administration puts a 5% tax on the repatriation of foreign cash holdings by American companies as long as they increase domestic hiring by 2% in 2017. The money flows like the Niagara Falls.
The Veterans Administration gets straightened out. Long overdue.
Rick Perry closes down the Energy Department when he remembers what #3 was. Trump says, “See? Right guy for the job. Love the guy.”
John McCain and Lindsey Graham oversee Senatorial hearings which conclude the Russians are going to hack anyone who voluntarily coughs up their email password. They hold a presser to announce this. John Podesta says, “Not fair.” President Trump says, “No email for me.”
Trump appoints a Supreme Court Justice who passes muster with conservatives but irritates Senator Bernie Sanders. The SCOTUS begins to make very conservative decisions and President Trump looks forward to 2-3 more appointments. Game changer and saves the future of America. Thin skinned liberals everywhere whine at very high octave.
Sightings of Bill and Hillary Clinton are scarce, while donations to the Clinton Foundation dry up. Huh? Chelsea turns over for the Department of Justice and enters the Witness Protection Program.
Former President Obama settles into Washington, DC and after a period (six weeks) of silence becomes a constant commentator on everything. He still makes out a NCAA Tournament Bracket, which is slightly better than his Syria policy though the Russians do let him participate after hacking it and leaking it to Julian Assange. The bracket? A huge loser.
Former Presidents Carter and Obama hold a series of Town Hall Meetings, mediated by Bill O’Reilly, to debate who was the worst President. Obama by a meaningful margin.
President Trump delivers on a surprisingly large percentage of his campaign promises and doesn’t blame President Obama for anything.
President Trump invites a “deplorable” to every state dinner and lets the deplorable pick the dessert. Most of the deplorables pick cheese cake from The Cheesecake Factory with strawberry sauce. President Trump insists on fresh strawberries.
The Chinese President comes calling and President threatens to serve him cheeseburgers but finally relents and they have chicken fried steak. [You recognize this is #fakenews, no?]
First Lady Melania charms the birds out of the trees and is the classiest and most stylish First Lady ever. The New York Times discovers, “Mrs. Trump used to be a fashion model and you can hang a dress on that beauty.”
Yes, this is my husband, Donald. He had a very good job but now he has another good job (though I think the housing supplied is a little modest) as President of the United States of America. Thank you, deplorable persons.
At the Inaugural, it becomes apparent that President Trump cannot dance but he looks good primarily because of ………. Melania standing there with him. Ivanka gets him dancing lessons.
President Donald J Trump adopts a communication strategy of ignoring the press. No more daily briefs. Lots of Tweets. Monthly or more frequently YouTube sessions. The press realizes it’s going to have to go back to actual reporting.
Foreign Affairs
President Trump and President Putin circle each other like mastiffs, bit of butt sniffing, and then play golf together. Putin plays barechested, though weather turns cold and Putin’s nipples erect a protest. President Trump sells him a polo shirt, which Putin reluctantly dons. The US-Russian relationship steps back from the abyss when Putin realizes Trump will spend Russia into the same abyss.
China continues to fortify its illegal islands in the South China Sea. President Trump reaffirms the US commitment to Taiwan and President Trump plays golf with the President of Taiwan, thereby irritating the Chinese government. There is an ugly incident with the Chinese when the US conducts a “freedom of navigation” exercise. Gets tense.
The US-Israel relationship is quickly on the mend and President Trump begins a slow and cautious campaign to woo the American Jewish voter. Donald and Bibi become great pals. No golf.
The Syrian ceasefire sticks because the Russians, Iranians, Syrians, Bashar al-Assad kill all of the US backed rebels. It is easy to have a ceasefire when one side is eliminated.
ISIS becomes a trivia question and the US kills al-Baghdadi. Mad Dog Mattis says, “What was so difficult about that? We’re the United States of America, right?”
The Russians cozy up to Turkey who contemplates leaving NATO. Trump gets them back into the fold though it takes some doing.
The Russians stop screwing with Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania when President Trump says, “Yeah, I’d consider putting 50,000 troops in Latvia on a permanent basis. Maybe an armored division. Why not?”
The American government decides to provide lethal aid to the Ukraine, which shows it has a decent army by driving the Russians out of their eastern provinces.
The Iranians are caught cheating on the nuclear deal and a President Trump administration tears it up while asking for new sanctions. New sanctions are tough. Trump says, “Try me.” The Iranians do and the US Navy takes out a flotilla of little boats and pounds the port they originated from. President Trump Tweets out: “Plenty more where that came from, Ayatollahs. Make sure your sailors know how to swim.”
President Trump reinstates all the sanctions on Cuba and turns the CIA loose to undermine the government of Raul Castro.
President Trump takes a serious look at buying Venezuela. Sends Carl Icahn to handle the deal.
North Korea tests an ICBM. Test is a bust when rocket ends up in Pacific. With Chinese approval, President Trump orders US Navy to take out both North Korean launch sites. Kim — with the bad haircut — throws a temper tantrum and the Chinese, finally, tell him to take a walk.
Domestic policy
The Trump administration begins to expel criminal immigrants immediately with a vigor not seen since the Eisenhower administration. In the first year 1,000,000 criminals are expelled. Mexico becomes very cooperative realizing this is not going away and that they own the criminals. Mexico locks them all up.
The Wall gets started and Mexico does, indeed, pay for it through tariffs on both imports and exports. The tariff rate is less than 0.5%.
The Republicans enact comprehensive immigration reform and grant AMNESTY for all illegals in the country who come forward. Trump justifies it on the basis, “Hey, Reagan did the same thing, right?” That’s right — amnesty.
Law enforcement regains its rightful respect in American society. Congress passes a law making it automatic “life in prison” for assaulting a policeman.
Chicago does something about the murder rate. President Trump drives them in that direction.
Illinois declares bankruptcy while Mayor Rahm remains in prison for his sanctuary city defiance.
Business
Apple skins its knee and begins to look very vulnerable. It is still a huge success but it is no longer invincible. Samsung is the new tech darling. Microsoft catapults forward. Apple – short. Microsoft, Samsung – buy.
Uber is exposed as hugely overvalued and its “story” comes crashing back to Earth as Krugman observes, “It’s a freakin’ taxicab company, right?”
Twitter begins a slow death spiral as Jack Dorsey is forced to pick either Square or Twitter. He dawdles and Twitter suffers. Surprisingly enough President Trump, Twitter’s best customer, continues to use Twitter big league and the primary communication mechanism between Russia and the US is Twitter. Still, Twitter enters the death spiral though it gets credit for transforming American politics.
Oil companies prosper as all impediments to exploration in the US magically disappear. The Keystone XL Pipeline is upgraded to XXXXXL and the unions really get behind it thereby shattering another Democrat stronghold.
The energy industry explodes and creates gobs of jobs.
The US, Canada, Mexico create a North American Energy Cartel which drives the price of oil down but it doesn’t get sloppy. Russia has a fit as its economy is more than half dependent on the price of oil. US becomes a huge exporter of refined product and all refineries are operating at full capacity with calls for new refineries to be built.
Putin realizes that President Trump holds all the cards and gets in step though he is still a thug and a murderer. He and Trump talk every other week and become “Vlad” and “Donald.” World tension is reduced.
Coal regains its footing and is found to be “clean” and safe. The combination of unfettered exploration, new pipelines, coal, and nuclear makes the US an energy powerhouse. The US achieves complete energy independence at 10:13 AM, 9 December 2017. Trump Tweets out: “What? You’re surprised?”
Bitcoin ends year at $2,100. Turns out the blockchain “killer app” was bitcoin all along. Finite supply and Chinese trying to get money out of China and out of their faux currency drive demand. It becomes the digital equivalent of gold. Still, by year end, no killer blockchain app.
Economy
US GDP growth Q3-2017 is 5% on an annualized basis and Trump says, “What did I tell you?” Economists begin to complain, “President Trump has no restraint. If this keeps up we are looking at growth rates approaching ten percent.”
US jobs flood back from overseas and the desire to buy American goods and employ Americans becomes a bedrock value of the economy.
President Trump uses access to the American market like a bludgeon and makes the world pay an entrance fee to get into the US. He Tweets: “You can’t get into Disneyland for free, right?”
The NYSE index tops 24,000 by 31 December 2017, creating a sound base for more growth in 2018. Trump says, “Huh? What did you expect?”
Median family income makes solid upward movements as the combination of controlled immigration, less regulation, lower taxes dramatically increases employment. Employers begin to complain of a shortage of labor. Poets are still in over suppply.
The Labor Force Participation Rate reverses course and begins to increase. Trump says, “Anybody in America who wants a job can get one. If you’re having a problem, call me personally.”
The welfare rolls begin to contract and food stamps decline precipitously.
People begin to refer to the United States as “Trump’s America.”
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car and I’m going on my second half century. Be good to as many people as you can in 2017 in Trump’s America.
