Big Red Car screwing with y’all. Here are the results. Iowa returns right here.
REPUBLICANS
Donald Trump puts a thumping on all comers.
Ted Cruz second.
Marco Rubio third.
There are only THREE tickets out of Iowa and all the rest of the candidates are out of serious consideration.
Jeb? Jeb, sweetheart, that also means YOU!
DEMOCRATS
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie — Bernie Sanders wins.
Hillary comes in second by a whisker. She starts shaving less regularly thereafter. [FBI drops by to ask whether she prefers buttons or zippers on her prison garb. Zippers.]
Martin O’Malley takes the Vancouver primary and is surprised to learn it’s not even part of the United States.
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. And I didn’t vote in Iowa so don’t blame it on me.
