Merging With Canada And Celebrities Moving To Canada

Two birds with one stone at play today: let’s figure out how to merge Canada into the United States and how to get rid of the celebrities who want to move to Canada? Shall we?

Celebrities, the easy one

Here is a list of celebrities who have threatened to move to Canada (or elsewhere) in reaction to their angst at the election of this Trump 2.0 chap.

Now, we all know none of these sphincters are going to actually leave the United States, but play along.

How does this relate to merging with Canada, Big Red Car?

Ahhh, yes, the hook, eh?

We tell Canada that we will keep/deal with these anal pores if they agree to merge with us on the following basis:

 1. Canada merges with the US in the form of 6 states. Canada has 10 Provinces — each with their own capital — and 3 Territories, so there will be some consolidation.

We let the Canadians figure out how to combine their Provinces into states by themselves and recognizing that a US Congressional District is about 770,000 citizens.

USAID funds a $100MM slush fund for bribes.

 2. Each state gets a Governor, a bi-cameral legislature with state senators and reps, 2 Senators, and their fair share of House Reps based on the 770K/district formula — 52 House Reps.

The 2032 US Presidential election features a Canadian as the VP candidate on the Dem ticket. Canadians can vote from Florida since it will be November.

 3. All Canadian citizens and businesses get a 2 year 50% discount on US taxes.

 4. Canadian currency is converted into the US Dollar at a 3% premium to the exchange rate.

 5. One half of Canadian lawyers are disbarred and sent to school to learn to code.

Other organized crime entities retain their respective areas of operation and are exempt from FBI/DEA investigations for 12 months. No fentanyl. Ever.

 6. Canadian passports are converted to US passports and are good for life. Canadian pilots get American English language lessons for free forever.

 7. For 10 years during the winter, all Canadians get a 25% discount on air travel to Florida and a 25% discount on Florida hotels and restaurants.

Every Canadian household gets a free gallon of orange juice — mostly from the Rio Grande Valley of Texas — each month for 5 years.

 8. For 5 years, when a Canadian citizen reaches the age of 70, they get a $1,000,000 check from the now consolidated USA but can only spend half during their lifetime. The rest must be passed down to children. This is funded by a $1 tax on every American saying “eh” during the first 5 years after the merger. Money will roll in, eh?

 9. The Canadian Army is absorbed into the US Army and pay is increased to US rates. The US GI Bill covers all Canadian vets as well as the Veterans Administration hospitals and medical care. Navy and air force gets the same deal. Canadian loggers can work in Canada during the spring and summer and be Winter Warriors in the 82nd Abn Division at Fort Bragg, NC during the cold months.

 10. Top 5 Canadian hockey players are guaranteed a place on the US Olympic hockey team.

 11. All the noted celebrities are given free private air travel in a upscale 737, but the plane lands in Havana, Cuba and they don’t notice at first.

This could work, right, Big Red Car?

Look, the US loves Canada. Everybody loves Canada. I used to fish TF out of Canada. I adore Toronto and Montreal (has to be snowing to really “get” Montreal).

Canadians love winter warmth as they have none anywhere in Canada. Not a bit.

Everybody wants a land bridge to Alaska, so the deal is filled to overflowing with benefits for everybody. Be creative. New Interstate to Alaska and other northern points of interest from Newfoundland.

So, yeah, this could work.

Bottom line it, Big Red Car

Fine, dear reader, as soon as Donald J Trump sorts out the whole Ukrainian – Russo War, let’s get the merger done. We can begin right away with the 757 planes to Havana, right?

Look, I may have in my haste missed a few deal points, so feel free to add to the deal architecture with suggestions. Help a muscle car out, eh?

[BTW, anybody up in Canada who goes sour on the deal — Havana is very nice this time of year, eh?]

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.