Big Red Car here. So I get a lot of requests for more Rules. Here are some more Big Red Rules.
Are you following the Big Red Rules or are you just being entertained? Haha! Nothing wrong with a bit of entertainment.
Debutantes
Yes, they still have deb balls in the South and while they may seem archaic and out of touch with the times, they are a lot of fun — and very expensive. The South is different. Love the differences. You are not going to change Southern women — and why?
In Texas, Austin in particular, the girls do the deep Texas swan bow — has a Nascar like effect seeing who is going to crash and burn. It is like performing yoga when inebriated. Very inebriated.
Do not ever say to a deb or her Mom that their big white dress can do double duty as their wedding dress. Trust me on this one. This is a pro tip.
Never, ever, ever, ever let a deb or her Mom drive themselves anywhere. You will regret this forever and it is very difficult to find where they have abandoned the car. They will both be drinking.
Don’t worry about the escorts getting fresh with the debs. Once they have been around the debs and their Moms, most of them are going to give serious consideration to taking a vow of chastity and leading a life of committed celibacy.
Understand that the women who put on deb balls could run General Motors or the Marine Corps — they are well organized, ruthless and take no prisoners. GM would not have failed if the deb Moms had been running it. Never cross any woman who even hints she is involved with a deb ball.
Formal events
If you hate going to formal events, go just to please your wife. She will really appreciate it and guess what? You really do look good in a tuxedo. Well, in much the same way that penguins look good, but hey, that’s still something.
If you have to go to a lot of formal events, get a double breasted tuxedo. You can get away with not wearing a cummerbund. A cummerbund is not something that occurs in nature and should be avoided at all costs. It is unnatural. Do not do unnatural things.
Never, ever, ever wear a clip on or pre-tied tie. If you cannot learn how to tie a bow tie, you should no longer be able to use the men’s room.
Get an old set of vintage cufflinks — bit on the big side. The Boss has some old SAS and Royal Engineer buttons converted into cufflinks. He got them when training with those units back in his youth. Put some memories into those cufflinks and then when someone asks you about them, you’ve got a damn good story. Feel free to embellish the story as necessary.
Children
Children are a blessing and a test both from God. You cannot split the difference and God does not grade on the curve. Be worthy of them and do your best. Your scorecard will be waiting for you at the pearly gates.
Third child requires parents to go from man to man to zone. Be ready and practice — understanding that the kids will quickly learn which parent is the easy touch and where the weaknesses are in the zone. Hey, they’ve got your brains.
In every child is their parent. It’s your Mother’s idea of a just revenge. You were such a pain in the butt as a child and now you understand what you put Mom through. But you turned out OK.
Be careful of your conduct in front of your sons. They never miss anything and they will become you. Make it a good you. Because, hey, you are really a great guy once you get past the profanity.
If you go to church, your children will go to church. If you don’t………
Pry and poke into everything. Your kids will resent it at the time. But the factor of safety out there is only one sixteenth of an inch. You don’t have much to play with. Intervene immediately. Otherwise contemplate what it must feel like to bury your own children. Wise up now before it is too late.
Encourage your children to keep a diary or blog. Read that diary and blog. Act quickly to stave off disaster.
Even when your children are contemplating whether to start collecting Social Security early or late, they will still be your babies.
Politicians
We are at an all time low in the quality of our current crop of politicians. If the Founding Fathers came back today, they would not trust the current bunch to hold their damn horses. Why do we?
If we keep re-electing Bozos, Congress is going to continue to be a circus. Stop stupid, stop electing Bozos. Sorry, Bozo, you are a great clown.
Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education, says that sequestration has already begun to result in “pink slips” being distributed and he cites a West Virginia school district as an example. The only problem is that it is not true, never was true and was never even confused as to being the truth. Who decides to tell that kind of lie? Why?
Celebrate
Celebrate the times of your life. Take pictures. Save the pictures. In years ahead, they will warm your heart.
Keep a big book of pictures and print materials at your office. An expensive leather book about 3″ thick. Put it wherever folks meet to eat their sandwiches. Add to it frequently. You are flavoring the culture of your company.
Celebrate the business practices that you want to reinforce and give someone a check at that meeting. People will repeat any behavior that results in their receiving a check. I know this to be an absolute truth. This is a pro tip.
Regardless of how happy you are feeling at any celebration — never, ever, ever agree to go to a tattoo parlor even if you think you are just going to observe. No tattoo parlors.
Attitude
Attitude determines altitude — in flying airplanes and in life. Point the nose of an airplane up and it will climb, down and it will descend. Similarly in life, point for the loftiest goals and they will come within reach. Your attitude determines your altitude.
There are no adjectival descriptors attached to being a pessimist. No “damn good” pessimists. Bad stuff will find you, don’t help it. Think positive.
If you are a leader, you flavor the taste of the entire organization. Your positive attitude is contagious. Even in silly little things. Everyone is watching you to set the pitch.
Everything in Texas is bigger and better because Texas has a positive attitude toward things. Of course, that does not mean that Texans are not obnoxious. I said everything was bigger in Texas, right?
Road Trips
Every so often take a road trip. Drive and see this great country of ours. Take little roads that are just black lines on the map — no Interstates — and stop at every town square, cafe on the square and every BBQ joint. Drink local coffee, eat pie and devour BBQ. Drink local beers. Eat collards with lots of bacon. This is a great country, don’t miss it. Taste it.
Take a road trip with your spouse with no immediate destination. Drive aimlessly wherever your nose takes you. Go to Fredericksburg, Texas and stay in a log and stone shotgun cabin with a hot tub. Cavort in the hot tub nekkid until your skin is all shriveled up. It will add 5 years to your life and are you a person who would turn down 5 extra years?
Get on a damn train and go to a big city and watch the countryside go by at your leisure. There is nothing like riding a rocking train. Get a sleeping compartment and bring a big comforter. Lie under that comforter and let that steel pony rock you to sleep. Drink some wine and get tipsy.
Craftsmen, tradesmen
In your life befriend and develop a relationship with a good electrician, plumber, carpenter, painter, pool cleaner and general handyman. Befriend. Relationship. If necessary, make your third daughter marry one or two — not at the same time. Tell her you will remember her in your will. This is what it takes today to get good craftsmen.
If you are coaching kids on a youth sports team, always pick the tradesman’s children to be on your team. Befriend the kid’s Mom and become great friends with the Dad. Give the kid lots of playing time. Be ashamed of yourself but know you will get your work done at home. Your spouse will appreciate it. It is a hard world out there and you have to be innovative.
Send your craftsmen a Christmas card. Enclose a $25 gift certificate to their library, Loews. This is just a self-defense mechanism but it will work. You will get remarkable service. This is a pro tip.
Know and appreciate the difference between a plumber and a Master Plumber. The difference is about $30/hour and worth it.
With today’s gasoline prices, understand that while you don’t have to pay for it directly, the cost of getting to your house is a real cost.
Do not ever keep a worker waiting — because they will never wait again.
Disaster
Sometimes the margin between just a bad happenstance and a disaster is as thin as the thickness of an index card. Stay alert, stay alive.
Sometimes — “alive at dawn” is all the plan you really need. Embrace it.
Have a family disaster plan. Save some money and put it into the the Disaster Fund. Know where you can rendezvous. Pack a bag. Do not buy a 5-year supply of canned vegetables unless that strikes your fancy.
Triumph and disaster are both impostors. Disaster is also a pain in the butt. If you have a choice, opt for triumph. Make sense.
Well the Big Red Car has got to go to Georgetown, Texas to run an errand. So that’s all for now. Enjoy.
But, hey, what the Hell do I know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.
