If you listened to the State of the Union address from our President, you heard the final, polished, finished product.

First Draft SOTU Speech

Your Big Red Car got a copy of the first, unrevised version. Here it is:

“Madame Speaker, Vice President Harris, and all the rest of you people whose names and designations I can’t remember. Listen up because I need to get back to the White House and get some shut eye. Warm milk and cookies first, then shut eye.

Well, it’s been a long, hard four years. Wait, I mean year. It seems like ten years, but I did all this stuff in just a year. Here’s what I did.

I blew American energy independence. That damn AOC and her Squad made me cut off energy independence. In three months I managed to drop US domestic energy production from 13MM barrels a day to less than 8MM barrels a day. It wasn’t easy.

What moron said it was OK to buy 8% of all US crude from Russia? We import 600,000 barrels of stinking crude oil every day from Russia and I cancelled the Keystone XL Pipeline that could have supplied 900,000 barrels of crude a day? How stupid are we?

I know a lot of y’all want to blame me for funding the Russian war machine now carving up Ukraine by allowing crude oil to increase from $20/bbl to $112/bbl today. Yeah, I did that. I know more than half of the Russian war machine is funded by crude. If I were really running things, I’d never let that happen, but you know, AOC.

I should be sorry, but I’m not, about the huge increase in gas prices. You haven’t seen anything yet. Wait a month. It’ll be $8/gallon in California.

The whole COVID thing? Yeah, I blew it. I have no idea what the Hell we should be doing with vaccines, masks, therapeutics — so damn confusing — but I’m not alone, nobody else does either.

I’m lucky Dr Fauci said we could stop wearing masks right before the State of the Union speech. Wink! Wink!

So, who knows what’s going to happen to COVID? I sure don’t.

The southern border thing has been a disaster. I know we have the highest illegal immigration in 40 years, and I know all of the illegals are escaping into the hinterlands with some bogus excuse they’re coming back for a court date. Right.

OK, OK, OK, I know: illegals, fentanyl, drugs, human trafficking, guns, terrorists. Really bad idea and I cancelled the wall.

Damn it, I should have just finished the bloody wall, but it was Trump’s idea, so you know, I couldn’t do it.  You happy yet, you asshole Progressives?

The economy — wow — insane gas prices, supply chain problems, inflation, more inflation, more inflation than the last two years of wage gains. Interest rates inching up.  Ouch. I should be sorry, but I’m not.

Maybe we can spend our way out of the inflation problem? Seems bat shit crazy, but who knows?

Crime — more murders than ever. Yikes. Defund the police? What moron thought that lame idea up? Oh, that was us? Well we have a bloody crime wave and somebody better do something about it other than letting all the criminals out without parole. Was that really us?

The schools? Wow, did we screw that up. We stole two years from these defenseless children, and the Teachers’ Unions are still not happy. We made those kids lose two years of development.

I turned my Department of Justice on all those criminal, terrorist soccer moms. Won’t mess with Joe Biden. Yeah! Get the FBI to handle that. Dangerous radicals. Put them all in jail.

My infrastructure bill? I guess the plan is to spend so much money we kill inflation. Seems sort of counterintuitive, but Janet Yellen said her husband said it would work. He’s an economist. Expert on citrus pricing.

Afghanistan? Nope. Not going there. Bloody mess. All Trump’s fault. Can’t explain how, but it is. Him and that fat Milley guy.

We’re making great progress on Iran. Why is everybody so worried about Iran having a nuke in a few years? They’re peaceful, right?

OK, so one more thing – Ukraine. I have no idea why we didn’t sanction that medieval thug Putin back into the Stone Age where he belongs back when he took Crimea. That didn’t age well.

And, folks, there you have it. The dicey state of the union. Now, can I get some warm milk?”

And, that, dear reader, is the first draft of tonight’s State of the Union speech prior to editing.

Be well and be safe.