The Ballad of Mayor Pete, Secretary of Transportation

Every President is entitled to assemble a Cabinet made of those who he/she wants to run the country even in these polarized times.

The Senate has a role in its advise/consent Constitutional duty to ensure the Devil Herself does not get seated, but, in general, a POTUS should be able to assemble his own Gang.

The Biden Gang, thus far, is more than 75% Obama retreads — whilst you may be tempted to cluck at that, who else does the guy know? Come on, man.

One new face in the crowd is this Mayor Pete chap for Secretary of Transportation. Seems an odd choice.

Mayor Pete — you saying he’s “odd,” Big Red Car?

Now, now, be nice. Let’s not play the provocateur. I am saying he’s an odd CHOICE.

Here’s why:

 1. The guy has a thin body of work to support running the Department of Transportation.

He comes from being a Mayor of a smallish city for 8 years with time off to serve in A’stan. Thin gruel.

 2. As Mayor of Small Bend, Indiana (population 100,000), Mayor Pete commanded 60 buses.

 3. Small Bend had fewer than 1,000 municipal employees and a budget of $387,000,000.

 4. The Department of Transportation employs 55,000 people and has a budget of $76,500,000,000.

Recap: 1,000 employees at SB, Ind v 55,000 employees at DOT

$387MM v $76,500MM budget — huge step up!

5. The DOT oversees the skies, the roads, the ports, the navigable rivers, seaways, pipelines, railroads, airports, trucks — it is a big, big, big deal.

Just seems an odd pick to go from Small Bend to 55,000 people and command of the skies, roads, railroads, seaways, canals, ports, pipelines, transport at age 38 (less than half the age of the POTUS-E)?

So, what exactly is the Department of Transportation, Big Red Car?

Ahh, there we have it. The DOT oversees 55,000 persons who work in a bunch of administrations:

 1. FAA — Federal Aviation Administration — the flight system in the entire United States.

 2. NHTSA — National Highway Traffic Safety Administration — Federal highway system in the entire US, emphasis on safety.

 3. FHWA — Federal Highway Administration — the interstate highway system in the entire US.

 4. PHMSA — Pipeline and Hazardous Materials Safety Administration — all the pipelines in the US.

 5. FMCSA — Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration — all the trucks in the US.

 8. FRA — Federal Railroad Administration — all the railroads in the US.

 9. SLSDC — Saint Lawrence Seaway Development Corporation — the critical Saint Lawrence Seaway.

 10. FTA — Federal Transit Administration — the integrated transit system in the entire US.

 11. MARAD — Maritime Administration — ports, rivers, seaways, canals (navigable)

In addition, the Sec Trans oversees a big office of his own called the OST (Office of the Secretary) and the OIG (Office of the Inspector General).

This is — to use a Bidenism — a BFD!

But, of course, Mayor Pete did oversee 60 buses in Small Bend, right?

So, why would Joe Biden do this, Big Red Car?

Ahh, dear reader, you are so sweet with that girlish naivete.

 1. Joe Biden is an Old School pol, the kind of guy who understands patronage jobs and who takes care of those who take care of him.

 2. After Mayor Pete flamed out post-Iowa, Mayor Pete hitched his youthful, gay star to candidate Joe and worked his little ass off for Joe.

 3. Quid Pro Joe is a guy who looks at those index cards and says,

“What are we going give this Mayor Pete guy for all his hustle? Guy brought us some youth vote and the gay folk, right? What’s Joe from Scranton going to do for Pete?”

 “Mr. President-Almost-Elect, how about a Cabinet post?” asked a young guy with mousse in his hair.

“Sounds good. Which one?” Joe asked.

“Well, Mr. PAE, he wants the United Nations? Ambassador to the UN?”

“Men in Hell wanted ice water this morning, kiddo,” Joe said, waiting for the laugh track to kick in. “Nah, kid’s too young, green. Nothing wrong with being Green. For God’s sake don’t tell that crazy, fucking AOC — pardon my French, hey, do I speak French — I said that. What else we got in the cookie jar?”

“Secretary of Defense?” the mousse man asked.

“Nah, kid’s what 38?” QP Joe asked. “No, Jose. Hey, can I say that — Jose? Is that racist? What else?”

“Transportation?” the young aide asked, leaning toward Joe so he could hear him.

You kidding me? Transportation’s 55,000 people. Mayor What’s His Name ran Small Bend, Indiana for God’s sake. Bunch of malarkey. Kid had what? Sixty buses?”

“Yes, sir. Mayor Pete’s entire transportation experience spans a total of sixty buses and, sir, apparently, he wasn’t really that good at it. However, Mr. PAE, that kid delivered plenty of youth vote, and he’s gay.”

“Mayor Pete is gay? You’re kidding me. Really?” Joe had that deer-in-the-front-grill-of-an-18-wheeler-regulated-by-the-DOT look on his face. “Wow, never say that coming. He’s gay?”

“Yes, sir.”

“OK, give the kid Transportation — FAA, FHWA, FMCSA, FRA, PHMSA, OIG, NHTSA, OST, FTA? OK, give it to him. All of it, but not the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, the DOJ. None of those alphabets. Never let it be said I don’t reward people who support me. They don’t call me Quid Pro Joe for nothing.”

“Sir, you forgot the SLSDC and the MARAD.”

“Who gives a hoot. Give the kid Transportation and God help us all. Now, what’s my Vice President’s name again? Kammy something?”

And, that dear reader is how a Biden admin will operate.

 1. A Biden admin will be an Old School patronage machine.

 2. A Biden admin will appoint a guy who oversaw 60 buses to oversee the entire Department of Transportation.

 3. A Biden admin will be Quid Pro Joe/Hunter/Pete in a mask, a mandatory mask.

Bottom line it, Big Red Car, I get it.

OK, dear reader, at some time a President has to actually run the God damn country. This is not the approved solution.

Sixty buses is not the right body of work to run the Department of Transportation even if you delivered the youth vote and the gay vote.

That, dear reader, is a bunch of malarkey.

Be well. Be vigilant. Be on the lookout for the difference between chicken salad and chicken excrement. Do not eat the chicken excrement.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car and when I go out for a run to the Hill Country I’ll be under the supervision of Secretary of Transportation Mayor Pete whose biggest qualification for the job was he helped Joe Biden with his campaign and oversaw 60 buses in Small Bend, Indiana.

Hey, what could go wrong?