Sexual harassment, Big Red Car? Huh?
Big Red Car here on a sort of cold, potentially gloomy day in the ATX. On Earth as it is in Texas even in the brrr of 50F winter. [Don’t cry for me, Argentina, 65F and sunny this afternoon.]
So, unless you have been living under a rock, you have been following the news pertaining to: sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, hostile work environments, bad manners — whew!
So, it looks like we need some Big Red Rules pertaining to all things sexual harassment.
Big Red Rules — Sexual Harassment [Hey, guys, this is for you.]
If you are an old guy, no twenty something employee or intern is interested in looking at your old gray nuts and shriveled up dick. Sorry. There is no “mutual feeling” on this subject. [The Charlie Rose Rule]
If you are tempted to wear a bathrobe to conduct business with your staff, wear a three piece vested suit or a complete diver’s wet suit under it. This will keep the staff from jumping to conclusions.
It is always a mistake to send anyone a picture of your genitals. If you lose them, the police do not want a picture to help find them. [Let me walk that one back — it is always a mistake to take a picture of your or anyone else’s genitals.] Trust me on this one.
Taking showers with young women observers is not an Olympic event. The Olympic Committee has never discussed making it one. So, stop practicing.
If you need a massage — who doesn’t — there is a Massage Envy close to you. It is OK to be naked at Massage Envy. They will set you up with a nice deep tissue massage. These are licensed professionals.
Unless you are administering first aid, do not touch your employees. If you are administering first aid, stop when the EMS personnel arrive. Breast massage is not first aid.
Never put yourself in a position where an allegation could be believed. [The Mike Pence Rule]
There is no apology which is going to get you free of this problem. Do not even try to make that apology. Hang your head and keep repeating, “I am a predator.”
Never take pictures of yourself being stupid or harassing women. It is called evidence. [The Al Franken Rule]
It is not “he said – she said” when there are pictures, video, audio, texts, emails, letters, initials carved into trees or bedboards. That is also called evidence. Evidence will get you every time.
Do not sexually assault, sexually abuse, sexually harass anyone. If you run a company, do not create a locker room, frat house, boys club work environment. [The Uber Rule]
Explore the concept of romance. It is different from sexual harassment. It is how gentlemen woo and court ladies. It may not apply to your situation, but you should review the concept.
If you want permission to touch a young woman or to hold her in your arms, learn to dance. Ask a woman to dance. Understand women still have the right to say, “Thank you, no.” Women will let you touch them (hands, mostly) if they are dancing. [The DWTS Rule]
There are not many rules because this is not a difficult concept to understand.
Hope this helps.
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Merry Christmas! Yeah, you, Merry Christmas!
