Big Red Car here and suffering in the 27F temperature. What is this, Mother Nature?

So the Big Red Car has been following the Hillary Clinton email scandal and has the answer to it all — it’s Ross Perot’s fault.

How so? Read on, beloved reader.

The Greatest Retail Politician of All Time

Hillary Clinton is married — married? — to William Jefferson Clinton twice President of the United States and often called the “Greatest Retail Politician of All Time” by his admirers.

What some will fail to remember is that President Clinton was helped to victory by one Ross Perot of Dallas, Texas.

No Ross Perot in the Presidential elections of 1992 and 1996, no President William Jefferson Clinton. No Greatest Retail Politician of All Time, just an Arkansas Governor touring about with a six pack, an El Camino and a woodie.

Election Results 1992

The Greatest Retail Politician of All Time won the 1992 election thusly:

Greatest Retail Politician of All Time (Bill Clinton, Al Gore) — 44,909,806/43%

George HW Bush/Dan Quayle — 39,104,550/37.4%

Ross Perot/Admiral James Stockdale — 19,743,82/18.9%

There will be those who will be tempted to say that the GRPOAT carried substantially less than a majority of the votes but he won the Electoral College and carried more states than his opponents. He won fair and square. No diluting your beer, crybabies.

There will some who will be tempted to suggest that had Ross Perot not run for President that his votes would have ended up in the Bush-Quayle column thereby electing them to high office. Resist those temptations. Genuflect at the altar of the Greatest Retail Politician of All Times.

Election Results 1996

Greatest Retail Politician of All Time (Bill Clinton, Al Gore) — 47,402,357/49.2%

Bob Dole/Jack Kemp — 39,198,755/40.7%

Ross Perot/Pat Choate (great trivia question) — 8,085,402/8.4%

Temptation, temptation — resist it, y’all.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

If the Greatest Retail Politician of All Time, Bill Clinton, doesn’t have the lucky happenstance of Ross Perot inserted into the race, Bill Clinton arguably doesn’t become President.

Hillary Clinton doesn’t become First Lady.

The President’s sperm doesn’t find its way to Monica Lewinsky’s Gap blue dress and perhaps Hillary Clinton’s star never ascends and she doesn’t get elected Senator from New York, doesn’t run for President and doesn’t get the Secretary of State consolation prize from President Barack H Obama.

All the contingencies. All the stars aligned. All Ross Perot’s fault. [“I never had sexual relations with that big eared little fool, Mr. Perot.”]

Bonus Information

Not only is Bill Clinton the only President who has ejaculated on one of his interns, he is also the only President to have been ordered to provide an evidentiary blood sample for DNA analysis to compare the semen stains and his blood. There are many things of which to be proud in this semen stained presidency including managing to get impeached.

 

Whose Fault is It Anyway?

The missing emails? All Ross Perot’s fault.

The notion that a shrewd lawyer like Hillary Clinton would set up her own email system in her house in Chappaqu (lovely house) and conduct the highly classified undertakings of a Secretary of State, her fault? No, Ross Perot’s fault.

The notion that those emails are actually the property of the US Government and subject to elaborate classification, security and archived record keeping, her fault? No, Ross Perot’s fault.

The notion that FOIA requests and legal discovery requests have been foiled by the absence of her emails? Or that it is her staff that decides — not government lawyers or workers — which of the emails will be produced in accordance with the applicable law, her fault? No, Ross Perot’s fault.

President Obama is blameless as to anything he has ever undertaken with the divine intervention of George W Bush available at all times for taking the blame for it all. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — she is simply acting Presidential. It’s all Ross Perot’s fault (and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, of course).

Perhaps, this will embolden Ross Perot to run again for President. Last two times turned out so well for the nation, no?

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Be good to yourself.