Big Red Car here. Going to be a little rainy in the ATX today. 60F and 70% chance of rain. Sigh!
So, did you catch the President’s speech on gun control? If you didn’t, you should. It was spectacular. Oscar worthy spectacular.
Give Barack H Obama one thing — the guy can deliver a speech. Maybe his best speech ever. Powerful, emotional, resounding. Empty.
Now, you cynics will be tempted to say: “But, Big Red Car, that’s all the guy does — speeches. Nothing but speeches. No action, just speeches.”
Shame on you, you cynics. It was a damn good speech. Hush!
The President’s Oscar Award Winning Speech
The President gave a great speech as I said. Filled with tearful testimony about his emotional turmoil at the death of persons at the hands of guns. Great stuff. Great theater. A great performance. Great performances should be recognized and rewarded, no?
I thought the crying alone was worthy of a “lifetime achievement” Oscar. Being serious.
“For the best emotion wringing speech by a lame duck President on a subject that he has ignored throughout the entirety of his failed presidency, the Oscar is awarded to ………………………… President Barack H Obama for his fabulous gun control speech on 5 January 2016.”
Crowd, remembering the speech, breaks into polite applause.
President trots gamely up to the podium and …………………………………… gives an acceptance speech.
What was in it, the speech, Big Red Car?
Easy question, y’all. NOTHING!
Some lame nonsense about requiring arms dealers (I like to call them “arms dealers” like DRUG DEALERS — sounds so much more dangerous, no?) who sell even one gun to be subject to the requirement to obtain an FFL (Federal Firearms License). Now that will really have a massive impact on criminals with guns, no?
I can imagine that amongst the brotherhood of criminals this very morning with their coffee, the prospect of more licensed arms dealers — their zeal for crime has probably been tempered in a rather dramatic fashion. You cynics will be tempted to say, “Hey, Big Red Car, they’re fucking criminals. They don’t get their guns legally. WTF, Big Red Car?”
You, dear friend, will need to sit down, shut up, and go with the flow.
Then, there will be background checks for everyone for everything. Do not pay attention to the notion that the San Bernandino gun procurer passed said background check before legally buying the guns he gave to the RITs (radical Islamic terrorists) who killed fourteen Americans. Do not go THERE, haters.
“Big Red Car, if the San Bernandino shithead passed a background check how is this going to change anything? Huh? Help me here, Big Red Car!”
Shhh, it isn’t. It’s a feel good, do nothing, inartful attempt to appear effective and relevant while distracting the world and the nation from the President’s failed presidency. Shhh!
Why now, Big Red Car?
The President and his party, the Democrats, held powerful sway over the Congress in the first couple of years of his presidency. They jammed through — unread, undebated, on a strict party line vote — Obamacare but they didn’t remember to do anything on gun control. It wasn’t important enough then and the President’s speech writers had other topics requiring the use of their entire supply of emoticons.
“So why now, Big Red Car? Huh?”
Because, dear reader, the President is casting about for a bit of Mount Rushmore legacy material and having screwed up domestic policy, having left foreign policy in a shambles, he is grasping at straws whilst trying to cast the Republicans in a bad light.
“It’s the Republicans’ fault, y’all! Those bad, evil Republicans. I know I haven’t delivered a bill to the Congress to seriously consider. My bad! But still, if I had, the bad Republicans would not have allowed it to become law because they hate me because I’m half black. They’re racists of worse.”
Right, Mr. President, it’s the Republicans.
It’s not that you are a liar of gargantuan proportions who admires the “Australian Experiment” (the wholesale confiscation of a nation’s guns) or that you tried to ban certain popular ammunition in your last end run attempt, or that the country does not want it and the people’s elected representatives are tempted, from time to time, to actually do what the people elected them to do. None of that. It’s the bad Republicans.
What would real, serious gun regulation look like, Big Red Car?
Serious gun regulation would be conducted with a mutually respectful dialogue as to what is possible now. It would not be an accusatory, teary eyed rant — even if John Boehner, Crying John, were still Speaker of the House — it would be an adult dialogue.
1. It would focus on the creation of a “crazy person list” — as called for in the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban and opposed by the Democrats and the ACLU (ooops, same bunch, sorry) — which would keep guns out of the hands of crazy persons who are doing all of the killing. This is low hanging fruit. Pick it.
2. It would focus on closing the gun show loophole through legislation passed by Congress not by the illegal use of the President’s pen and cell phone. Or with emoticons.
Reasonable people have no problem with closing the gun show loophole and requiring background investigations to purchase guns at a gun show. Let’s be clear — this will accomplish almost nothing because criminals do not submit themselves to background checks. They’re fucking criminals.
3. It would focus on using big data to spotlight when someone buys a lot of ammunition and it would send a cop to see them.
“Hey, our big data thingy noted that you bought sixteen weapons and 230,000 rounds of 9mm hollow points. WTF is going on here, pal?”
“Uhhh, I was planning on a mass shooting. Is that going to be a problem?”
“Yes, it is, shithead. Let’s go downtown.”
McDonald’s can process my Visa in 1.5 seconds before I get the Big Mac and fries I ordered but we can’t identify shitheads who buy massive amounts of guns and ammo?
Please get me Amazon on the line, y’all. Now. Then, call McDonald’s.
4. Here’s one of the big secrets about gun regulation — the Feds are at an all time low in enforcing the current laws against gun crimes involving the very regulatory schema they insist is the solution to the problem. They aren’t enforcing the existing Federal laws. Enforce the current law.
5. The Congress would pass a law that any crime — ANY CRIME — that had a gun involved gets another ten years tacked on whatever sentence is handed down. Any crime. This would be an enormous deterrent and it would ensure that the criminals who actually use guns would be off the streets.
6. A task force would target and clean up the known centers of gun violence in the US starting with the President’s hometown of Chicago. If the top four most violent cities in the US were cleaned up, the US would be the 4th lowest gun crime country on the planet. Hell, we’d be making hot chocolate and yodeling in a couple of years.
7. The President would provide principled leadership and stop pretending that he really cares about the subject and stop grandstanding and stop crying big faux alligator tears and just get it done. Oh, yes, he’d have to actually lead and stop lying.
Whew, what now, Big Red Car?
Yes, dear reader, what do we do now?
1. Now, dear reader, we admit to ourselves that this President, this pathetically lame duck failed President, is not going to accomplish anything — as he hasn’t for the last seven years — on gun control. Hard truth.
2. We recognize that the American people are not going to give up their guns and, in fact, have bought more guns than ever in 2015. The President has become The Best Gun Salesman Ever! That may well be his legacy.
3. We admit to ourselves that criminals are not buying their guns legally. They do not submit to background checks because THEY CANNOT PASS A BACKGROUND CHECK, they’re criminals.
4. We hope for a better outcome next year.
5. We vote for the President to get that lifetime achievement Oscar for his teary eyed performance — best ever, y’all.
6. We count down the days until this President takes up his rightful place in the dustbin of history and we get back to living in the real world.
I have been a little tough on the President. I admit it. But, it’s only a couple of months until March Madness and we can get back to the really important stuff — the President’s NCAA Tournament Bracket! I wonder who he has winning it all? Think it might be the NRA?
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car! Oscar, baby!
