This is a copy of a letter I sent to Her Royal Highness, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, applying for a job at Buckingham Palace. There have been some personnel changes and she is looking outside the box for some fresh blood. Maybe I am that fresh blood?
21 January 2020
Your Majesty,
Thank you, Ma’am, for taking my call and inviting me to present my credentials for the position we discussed. I really enjoyed chatting and think we established a rapport that may come in handy. I am confident I can represent the Royal Family in a manner that will add to the luster of you royals. [Not exactly running the high hurdles with Charles, Andrew, and Harry, eh? JK]
As we discussed, no Prince Andrew problems and I have been married to the same woman for 40 years, so none of that Sussex nonsense. My children are all grown, have good jobs, and will be no problem. You have my word on it.
To be fair, I was a little wild when I was in the Army, but that was before cell phones and digital photography, so I don’t expect that to be a problem. I was single and overseas for a lot of that time.
I did one of those blood test things and I am half Irish and half German. My wife is English. The Irish part of me never had anything to do with the IRA and I never contributed any money to them.
As I indicated, I am a seasoned, white person (I tan easily and am careful to use sunscreen ever since I had that thing on my nose removed) with substantial leadership and managerial experience.
Like you, I am a veteran, experienced at all levels from company command through aide-de-camp to a 4-star General. I also am a graduate of Virginia Military Institute (Gen of the Armies Geo Catlett Marshal’s school — solid guy), the Army’s Engineer Officer Basic Course (combat engineers), Airborne School, Ranger School (sort of like your commandos), Jungle Warfare School, the Engineer Officer Advanced Course, the Command & General Staff College (correspondence), and the Army War College (remote learning).
I sort of ghosted through 20 years of reserve duty after 5 years as a regular. I was a mobilization designee and got called up for the first Gulf War, but didn’t end up going. [I wanted to, but I had 2 little ones and, frankly, the wife was not supportive. It was over quick, so it was probably the right move.]
I have some entrepreneurial experience and have run a few companies (public and private).
I have degrees in civil engineering, math, economics, and finance. That was a long time ago, but it still comes in useful if I have to do any public speaking. I am a damn good public speaker and can follow a script. I will never, ever tell any off color jokes (though I know a few we can exchange next time we see each other — “A Queen, a Prince, a Big Red Car walk into a bar . . . . . “).
As to the details:
1. I have my own vehicles, so I can save you some money on all of that.
2. I can fly an airplane if I need to represent you in Africa or other places that may be hard to get to. It goes 200 knots per hour so I can cover some territory. I don’t mind putting 10 hours in the cockpit, so a couple of days and I can fly to South Africa.
I would be looking to be reimbursed for fuel, oil, insurance, and maps. Maps are expensive, particularly the new digital ones.
If I travel on commercial aircraft, I am fine with an aisle seat (leg room is an issue). No first class necessary — again, the cost thing.
I’m fine with Hampton Inn & Suites when I travel and I’m a Diamond Member so I can keep those costs under control.
I don’t know what the House of Windsor policy is on who owns the frequent flyer points, but I am completely flexible on all of that. I would like them, all things being equal, but I understand fully if you want to hang onto them.
3. I have a good house, so I don’t need you to provide any housing though I have no objection to a place in London. Nothing elaborate. I can do repairs. I’m actually quite good. Don’t mind breaking a sweat on the grounds.
4. I have a concealed handgun license, so I can save you some money on the security detail.
Would I be out of line if I asked you to pick up the annual license fee and my target practice ammo? I like a Beretta .380.
It’s been a long time since I had any formal hand-to-hand combat training, but I think I can still handle myself. I actually used to teach it, back in the day. Glad to take some refresher training.
5. I speak American English and can curse in German, Italian, and Korean.
My American English is close to Canadian, so I should have no problem with that. (Have done a ton of fishing in Canada. Love it.)
I speak a smattering of Australian and the New Zealand lingo. I struggle with South African.
6. I have plenty of suits and a slew of French cuff shirts. I have a set of cuff links an SAS guy gave me. They’re from a 200 year old English Royal engineer regiment. I taught those guys explosives training. Damn good troops.
7. I have health insurance with pharmacy coverage, so I can save you some money on that. I would consider it a great kindness if you would match any 401K contributions.
So, Ma’am, I guess the big question is compensation. Here’s what I think might be fair:
1. Base salary of $350,000 (US Dollars, no pounds Sterling or Euros crap, please)
2. Full benefits — except as noted above; I’d like three weeks vacay and all the normal British holidays. BTW, WTF is “Boxing Day?”
3. Short term incentive comp — a 25% bonus based on the attainment of specific objectives we agree to up front (like the number of events to attend on behalf of the Royal Family)
4. Long term incentive comp — an equity style bonus based on the popularity of the Royal family
5. A loyalty program bonus — if I do a good job for 10 years, then I get a 50% bonus. We can talk about this.
As I said, I would be glad to pal around with Prince Philip when I have time. And, no, I will not let him drive that Range Rover of his.
I might as well tell you: I hate room temperature beer. I like it cold, but I am OK with ice.
In closing, let me say how excited I am. We forgot to talk about a title. Sorry, didn’t mean to forget that.
I guess I could work with being a Viscount. I’d like to have it be a little territorial. How about Viscount Big Red of the Hill Country? Or, if it is hard to come up with an open Viscount-hood: Big Red of the Hills?
I’ll go with whatever your people think is good. Honestly, I can live without a title. Let’s not let that be a deal breaker, OK?
As I indicated when we spoke, I am in London next month. Looking forward to hammering this deal out.
Very kind of you to invite me to stay at Buckingham Palace. That will save me some money, as I was going to stay at a fancy hotel, the Saint James. Be glad to pay a fair AirBnB rate or whatever you think is appropriate. I am very sensitive about not being a drag on the English taxpayer.
Thanks again, Queen Elizabeth. I am committed to making this work for both of us. Take a chance on me and you will never regret it.
[BTW, I can go as green as you want me to go. I can also squire Prince Charles around and hunt with him if he starts to bug you. I am a team player. No “I” in team, Your Royal Highness.]
Like I said, “In life, you don’t get what you deserve; you get what you negotiate. You deserve better, so let’s negotiate a win-win here.”
Your pal,
Big Red Car
So, dear reader, what do you think? I may need some testimonials and references to close this deal, so I may call on some of y’all.
Do I get the job? Keep your fingers crossed. HRH Queen Elizabeth seemed to hit it off.
