So, the Big Red Car has been out and about and inattentive to his reportage duties, but do not fret, dear reader, your Big Red Car has snagged an exclusive interview with James Comey, former Director of the FBI, 2016 election decider, and all around bad boy about town. He has a new book called: A Higher Loyalty. It is further subtitled: Truth, Lies, and Leadership.

James Comey was kind enough to come to the ATX for his interview and sat down with the Big Red Car.

James Comey Interview with the Big Red Car

Big Red Car: “So, Jimbo, let’s talk about the book, shall we? You were kind enough to send me an early copy and it took me a couple of hours to read it. Thank you.”

James Comey: “Listen, you moron, you can call me ‘Director Comey’ or ‘Mr. Comey’, but do not call me Jimbo. You’re a freakin’ car. Mind your place.”

BRC: “OK, Director. My bad. So, what was the inspiration for the book?”

JC: “Really? The inspiration for the book? I got fired by that idiot Donald Trump — really small hands, orange skin, and some wild hairdo — and I want a piece of him. Are you really that stupid?”

BRC: “Yo, Mr. Jimmy, let’s keep it professional. You were always noted for your professionalism except for the leaking and throwing the election to Trump. Shall we?”

JC: “When I gave info to my Columbia Law School prof buddy to give to the New York Times, it was not leaking. I am not a leaker. I am not a liar. Oh, wait, you didn’t accuse me of being a liar yet. Sorry. Jumped the gun.”

BRC: “Why is that? Your pal, Andie McCabe got in big trouble for lying — lack of candor, I think they called it, nice turn of a phrase — to your colleagues about a leak. He says you authorized the leak. So, are you a leaker, a leak authorizer, who the fuck is James Comey?”

JC: “I am above the law. Hell, I was the God damn law. If I ‘leak’, it is not a leak. That is for little people, like Andie. Guy is lying, by the way. I never, ever, ever authorized him to leak anything.”

BRC: “He says you authorized it and are now, conveniently, ‘forgetting’ it. What say you?”

JC: “Asked and answered, moron. Next?”

BRC: “OK, Jimbo, what about throwing the election to Trump? Bit of irony there, in your book you state that you made some decisions because you ‘knew’ that Hillary was going to be elected and none of this would amount to anything. By the way, Hillary Clinton is, apparently, not a charter member of your fan club, eh?”

JC: “No, I didn’t think that Trump would win. Who did? As to Hillary, yeah, I thought she would win. So what? Is that a crime? Everybody in the Deep State thought the bitch would win, if only she had run a decent campaign. She got beat by an amateur politician with zero experience who outworked her tired, fat, lazy ass. Trump spent less than half she did and he beat her like a rented mule. Bit harsh, but true.”

BRC: “She says you and the Russians dashed her chances. Any truth?”

JC: “Don’t try to shop that the ‘Russians did it’ tripe. Mueller may have been dumb enough to sign on for that, but everybody knew that Russian Dossier was a piece of crap. I even called it ‘salacious and unverified.’ If Trump had been in Moscow watching hookers piss on each other and it could have been proven, you would never have heard of Stormy Daniels, believe me. Sorry, I let that get away from me. Disregard.”

BRC: “So, Jimbo, Hillary? You wreck her chances?”

JC: “She is full of crap. What wrecked her chances was her incredible sense of entitlement. Trump beat her in places she never even went. She got beat by a 71-year old guy who outworked her. It was hers to lose and she jerked defeat from the jaws of victory. I should have locked the bitch up for stupidity. Sorry.”

BRC: “One thing has always bothered me about the whole Hillary email saga — the fake interview, the immunity, OK with all of that — but how did you write a memo exonerating her before you even interviewed her?”

JC: “Because she was always going to be exonerated. She was a Clinton. Loretta Lynch and Bill worked it out on the plane in Phoenix. You didn’t think they were talking about golf, did you? The AG doesn’t even play golf. Oh, yeah, did I mention Hillary was going to win the election and become my boss? Sure, I started the memo — OK, I finished it. Bite me. That’s what happened and you have to deal with it.”

BRC: “Hey, Jimbo, let it roll. Back to the book. Did you really make a mention of Trump’s hand size. Sort of undignified?”

JC: “My hands are way bigger than Trump’s, so my Lance of Romance must be bigger, ipso facto.”

BRC: “But, you’re six foot eight, right? Should be a little bigger, no? Still, a little undignified, y’all comparing dick sizes. Moving on. What do you say to people who say you revealed classified information by revealing your memos? A court has now acknowledged the memos are classified.”

JC: “What I say is this, Big Red Car. Go fuck yourself. This interview is over.”

BRC: “Come on, Sport. You’re the one who asked me for the interview, right? One last question, Jimmy. What do you say to people who say you are a small, venal man who got fired by Donald Trump and who has now written a mean-spirited, vengeful tome which reads like a pubescent, middle school girl’s diary?”

Former FBI Director James Comey did not answer that question. He whipped out a folding knife and slashed the convertible top of the Big Red Car, cut the seats, and stabbed the tires.

So, there you have it, the Comey book right from the mouth of its author, Jimbo Comey.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car.