Hillary Clinton Emerges From Sniper Fire to Win BIG in Iowa

Big Red Car here on the tail of Hillary Clinton’s HUGE victory in Iowa, a feat that eluded her in 2008.

Now, she has boxed her compass and is headed toward the White House with confidence and certainty. A huge victory!

You go, girl!


Not so fast, Big Red Car. Not so damn fast.

Let’s look at the numbers, please.

May I have the envelope?

The numbers

Hillary Clinton wins 699.57 delegates.

[The crowd roars in celebration of her victory. She turns a few hand springs. The crowd goes wild. Bill pinches a cute blonde on the ass and she gives him her ………………………………………………………….. hotel room key.]

Bernie Sanders wins 695.49 state delegate equivalents.

Whoa, Big Red Car, I thought you said that Hillary had trounced Bernie. That she kicked his 74 year old white haired ass?

Proportionate delegates

Grass hopper, it isn’t like you think. Iowa hands out its state delegate equivalents proportionately. Proportionately, dear chap.

So, each candidate gets what they get.

So, let’s see — the margin of victory is what?

[Ciphering quietly, the Big Red Car is. 699.57 minus 695.49 equals 4.08 state delegate equivalents.]

What, sayeth the Big Red Car? The freakin’ margin of victory is 4.08 state delegate equivalents? Huh?

Worse than that, because six districts were determined by a coin flip. That’s right, dear reader. Hillary won six coin flips and that’s where her margin of victory actually came from.

It gets worse, y’all

Let’s look at those numbers yet again.

Hillary — 699.57 state delegate equivalents

Bernie — 694.49

Martie O’Malley — 7.68

“Uncommitted” — 0.46

What? 702.63 state delegate equivalents for “other than Hillary?” Tell me it isn’t so, Big Red Car. Please.

Sorry, it is, y’all. Sorry.

Huh, that means MORE folks voted for someone other than Hillary than voted for Hillary? Why does everyone think she won such a big victory, Big Red Car? Why?

Because, dear reader, she said so.

The big question

Now, here’s the big question? Wait on it. OK — how did Hillary Clinton, Hillary Rodham Clinton, win SIX straight coin flips? God was on her side, no doubt. Or, she used a double headed silver dollar?

Very Presidential! Very, very, Presidential! A damn good coin flipper, indeed.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. On to New Hampshire!




5 thoughts on “Hillary Clinton Emerges From Sniper Fire to Win BIG in Iowa

      • .
        We will know in a month. I think there is a real chance of Hillary sporting prison garb.

        No knockout blows in Iowa. One guy named Cruz gets 8 delegates and another named The Donald gets 7.

        And, yet, it does impact momentum. We are a stupid bunch of folks to give Iowa such power. Stupid.


        • A good old random first state would be fun. I haven’t paid much attention yet, who’s your favorite candidate so far?

          No chance of you and Fred on a ticket anytime soon?

Comments are closed.