Today we have a special guest, the Year of 2023 who has agreed to sit with us and answer a few questions. It is quite an honor as he/she has just a few hours more of his/her tenure.
“Welcome,” sayeth the Big Red Car. “You ready to wrap things up?”
“Yes, indeed,” the Year of 2023 says wiping his/her mouth on his/her sleeve and lighting a cigar. “It’s been quite an experience.” He/she was drinking directly from a bottle of very cheap champagne.
“Yes. So, let’s get into it. What do you consider to be the greatest accomplishment of your tenure?”
He/she (one doesn’t want to be presumptuous as to gender here) laughed and then began to sniffle a bit.
“May just be me, but Joe Biden made it. Honestly, I didn’t expect him to make it this far. Feeble, infirm, but he hangs in there. 80 years old and already showing the impact of dementia.”
“Interesting. Why?”
“Have you seen the lying son-of-a-bitch?” Year of 2023 asks, hands extended palms up and leaning forward to avoid the smoke from his cigar. “He looks older than me. Looks and walks like Hell. Totally out of it and he wants to run again? The guy belongs on the beach somewhere in Florida — I call Florida God’s Waiting Room — living out his last days.”
“Funny. God’s Waiting Room. Why do you think Joe Biden’s really running?”
He/she doesn’t answer for a second as he/she takes a long draft from the champagne bottle and then sucks on his cigar.
“Well, I think it’s Jill myself. That and the housing. The White House has to be he best assisted living joint on the planet. Elevator, great chow, housekeeping is included, free parking, transportation. Best assisted living joint on the planet. I already said that. Sorry.”
“Good point. What else struck you in 2023?”
“The total death of any bloody common sense,” he/she said now leaning back and blowing cigar smoke rings — three perfect ones in a row. “Did you see those three morons, the women presidents of Penn, Harvard, and MIT testifying at Congress?”
“I did. What was your take?”
“How stupid do you have to be not to say that calling for killing all the Jews and destroying Israel might be against their dainty little codes of conduct? I mean, how stupid can you be?”
“Fair point. What else?”
“Wait, one more thing. Do any of those chicks get those jobs if they aren’t women and woke? Bit of honestly amongst us, Big Red Car? The Harvard one, the plagiarist, is black. Isn’t this what everybody feared with all this DEI nonsense? Totally virtue signaling nonsense. In the real world, those chicks are asking, ‘Fries with that, sir?’ Sorry a little harsh, but I have to speak the truth.”
“Perhaps. Your comment was a little racist.”
“Well, race was part of it, but is it true or not?”
“Let’s put that in the parking lot, shall we? So, what else?”
“I continue to be amazed at the scrappy Ukrainians fending off the Russians. In what world does that happen? The Russians — Hell, our own CIA and Pentagon thought the same thing — were supposed to wipe the Ukrainians out in a week. Blast their way to Kyiv and hang that Zelenskyy guy. Boy did they pick the wrong hombre. Guy has brass balls. Ukrainians are some tough sons of bitches. How can we not support them against this naked aggression. Good on you, Ukraine, I say.”
“Interesting. What else?”
“Bloody China. What do those bastards have on Joe Biden and that son of his. Know the one I mean?”
“Hunter Biden?”
“The crackhead who got bounced out of his fake commission in the US Navy, banging all those whores, and videoing it. How stupid was that? Smoking crack, banging whores, and videotaping it? Runs in the family. Come on, man. Yeah the Chinese are not our friends.”
“Give me one specific thing the average person can understand whereby the Chinese are hostile to the US?”
“You’re kidding, right. Here’s one for all you Internet keyboard warriors — the Chinese block Google, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Zoom, LinkedIn, Wikipedia, Netflix, Bing, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitch, Spotify, Skype, Tumblr, Pinterest, Dropbox, Pornhub, Xvideos, Medium, Vimeo, New York Times, BBC, Slideshare, Bloomberg, Washington Post, Flickr, Wall Street Journal, DuckDuckGo, the Economist, NBC, ABC, TikTok, HBO, ChatGPT, and the CIA website. They’re completely censored over there.”
“I had no idea the Chinese had blocked all those sites. Are you sure, Old Timer?”
“Check me, Big Red Car. Here’s the bloody website: Websites Blocked in Mainland China “
“Interesting. What else?”
“This Trump guy. How much of all this bullshit would be happening if his last name wasn’t Trump and if he wasn’t poised to wipe the floor with that Biden chap? I can answer that: none of it. It’s so bloody obvious and ham handed and I think it just makes his support grow. The Dems are ‘saving the democracy’ by burning it down.”
“Interesting. What else?”
“The whole college football championship thing. Two of the four best teams in America are not even playing: Georgia and Florida State. Luckily, they play tonight which will be the real national championship. I hate Nicky Satan.”
“Who wins between the Dawgs and Florida State? The Seminoles?”
“Dawgs thrash them. Beat them like a rented mule on the last day of the month after your check bounced for last month. It will be embarrassing.”
“You lay a bet on it?”
“Yeah, I borrowed some money from that fraudster.”
“Which fraudster? There are a lot of them.”
“You know, the FTX guy, Sam Bankman-Fraud. Get it?”
“Very funny. What do you think about that whole situation?”
“They should publicly shame and horsewhip in a public square somewhere those stupid venture capitalists who gave that toilet bowl brush headed moron money without any due diligence, without any required reporting, and without any board seats. For God’s sake, just look at the guy. Those morons were fiduciaries for God’s sake.”
“We’re dwelling on negative things, Old Boy. What’s something more positive of note?”
“I loved seeing that carpetbagger Lynn Cheney get beat by 40% out in Wyoming. What a self-aggrandizing RINO.”
“I said positive, please.”
“OK, the waves at Mavericks this year are spectacular. You ever surf Mavericks over there in Cali back in your alleged surfing days, Big Red Car?”
“Yes. Twice. What else?”
“I’m a little drunk, but how about that Southern border — the one between the US and the Cartels? How could any patriot not be enraged seeing the wholesale disregard for enforcing existing immigration law when more than 10,000,000 illegals have flooded across the border including tens of thousands of military age Chinese? What the fuck are you Americans thinking? Some of those supposed ‘refugees’ were assigned court dates in 2031. How stupid are y’all? You have anything else to drink, Big Red Car? Something to munch on?”
“Let me get you some tequila.” The Big Red Car’s trusted assistant presented a bottle of very good tequila and some appetizers: water cracker wafers with a bit of honeycomb, prosciutto, a dab of soft blue cheese with two pistachio nuts embedded.
“Holy shit, Big Red Car, this is fabulous. Who made the hors d’oeuvres?”
“I did. It’s my own design. Like it?”
“Yes. If you don’t make it with this Big Red Car gig, you should become a caterer.”
“Been there, done that. So what else is on your mind?”
“Do you have a joint? Yeah, that whole legalized weed thing is really dumb. Nobody needs any more young kids disconnected from reality. Hot toxic smoke in your lungs is legal? What happened to all the do-gooders on tobacco? Whole country is nuts.”
“No joints. Sorry. Just the tequila.”
The Year of 2023 takes a long draft directly from the bottle, belches, and farts.
“So, any closing words of wisdom?”
“Yeah. Don’t let the Year of 2024 be more of the same. Clean this shit up before it’s too late and for God’s sake stop this nonsense of letting full grown men with dicks play women’s sports. How stupid are y’all? If I were a father and my little darling came home and told me some guy shook his Lance of Romance at her in the locker room, I’d have to step in and take direct action.”
“Our guest today has been the Year of 2023 as he/she exits the workplace and leaves things to the Year 2024. Thank you, Year of 2023.”
“Go fuck yourself, you pompous ass, you Big Red Car. Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Better luck next time, y’all. I’m moving to Florida.”