Today, we have the great honor and high privilege of talking to Former FBI Director Robert Swan Mueller III after the delivery of his report to the Attorney General.
We caught up with Director Mueller at brunch after he went to church across Lafayette Park from the White House. Here he is trying to remember where he parked his car.
“Welcome, Director Mueller.”
“You’re a car? A convertible?”
“Keen powers of observation, Director. A few bugs on me, no bugs on you. I have a few questions. May I proceed?”
“You’re a car, right?”
“Yes, sir. So, how does it feel to be finished with your report?”
“Like I just defecated a basketball — get it, March Madness basketball reference?”
“Got it. Thank you. So, no collusion. Reaction?”
“Look, car, from the second I took the assignment we all knew there was no collusion. For God’s sake, the DOJ and FBI had been listening to every phone call, intercepting every email on the President and the campaign since the first Carter Page FISA warrant. There was never any collusion. A blind man could have seen that. Even that idiot Strzok knew there was no collusion.”
“The obstruction of justice — you punted that.”
“Don’t look at me. That was for Weissmann. Son-of-a-bitch just wouldn’t let go. It’s like when you lose a big case and stand out on the courthouse steps, feeling like Hell and have to come up with some face saving claptrap. You say, ‘Well, the jury found the defendant not guilty, but that doesn’t mean he’s innocent. It just means we couldn’t prove it.’ There was no obstruction of justice. Hell, Comey told President Trump a million times he wasn’t the target of any investigation. What could he have obstructed? You tell me.”
“But, you did punk out, no?”
“Asked and answered, rust bucket. Next question, please. Don’t have all day.”
“Fine. Manafort. You convicted him for a lot of crimes he committed a dozen years ago. What did that have to do with the collusion investigation?”
“You just come in on a load of turnips, Big Red Car? I put his tit in a wringer and I cranked it so hard he cried ‘Uncle.’ Problem was he didn’t have anything on collusion because, well, nobody had anything on collusion cause there was none.”
“Feel sorry for Manafort, do you?”
“Sorry? Hell no. Go research that case up on Boston. I let those Mafia punks rot in jail. Hell, two of them died there. So, sorry for Manafort? Nah. He chose the wrong team. Plus, President Trump is going to pardon him anyway.”
“You actually think President Trump will pardon Manafort?”
“Sure, I would. Hell, we nailed him on charges the DOJ passed on seven years ago. Know who the US Attorney was who made that decision? Rod by God Rosenstein. Did you know that, you smart ass Red Car?”
“Didn’t. Thank you for that nugget. So, you know that Congressman Adam Schiff says he has evidence of Russian collusion by President Trump and his campaign. What say you?”
Mueller laughed for a second, wiped his eye and got that cold look of his before proceeding.
“Look, I had nineteen lawyers, forty FBI investigators, tons of intelligence analysts, forensic accountants, and spooks of every flavor. We sent out 2,800 subpoenas, served more than 500 search warrants, got permission to rummage through more than 230 targets’ phone calls and emails, got 50 pen register authorizations, worked with thirteen different foreign governments, and interviewed more than 500 witnesses — if that boob Schiff thinks he has some evidence we didn’t find tell him to bring it to me personally. It’s not out there. Much as I hate to say it — President Trump and his campaign didn’t collude with anybody. Adam Schiff is full of crap.”
“Strong words, Director.”
“Well, even I think there are some people out there who have been saying they know this or know that who have been talking out of their asses. My boys didn’t leak to the media. Well, except when I told them they could.”
“Looking back, why did this investigation happen?”
“Hell, Hillary Clinton was supposed to be President. She lost and needed a comfortable reason to explain it. Somebody said it had to be the Russians.”
‘So, why does Director Robert Mueller think she lost?”
“She was a terrible candidate. She got beat by a part time, amateur, first time goofball named Donald J Trump. He outworked her. Out hustled her. Went to the Upper Midwest. She was a terrible candidate.I thought she was going to drop dead at the end of the campaign. I’m surprised she didn’t.”
“OK, how about Hillary and the email scandal? She break the law?”
Mueller laughed so hard his coffee shot out his nose which he mopped up with his pocket square.
“She should be in an orange jump suit right now. Comey saved her ass. Who ever heard of the FBI conducting an interview not under oath, with other defendants in the room, no record of the interview? It was a bullshit deal from the get go. Hell, Comey had already written his report before the interview even took place. Her server was lousy with classified information. President Obama told Loretta Lynch, the AG, there would be no finding of a crime, and she made it so. Pure bullshit.”
“So, why did you take the job in the first place?”
“It’s what I do — investigations. Rod Rosenstein told me to run the investigation while he wandered around wearing a wire and invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment. I did it because I was bored.”
“Was it worth it?”
“Fuck no. It was bullshit from the beginning. Hell, I was a Marine infantry officer, Airborne, Ranger, Director of the FBI. This stupid investigation — which found bupkus — divided the country between the lunatics and the Trumpers. Total waste of time. Divisive and unproductive. Look, we came up with nothing. That speaks for itself, right? Res ipsa loquitur — you know Latin?”
“No, tell me.”
“The thing speaks for itself. We found nothing because there was nothing. Much as I hate to say it, President Trump was right from the start. He knew because he knew.”
“So, how about the FISA warrants?”
“That was not me. That was Comey, Rosenstein, Sally Yates, McCabe, that bunch of clowns. I had nothing to do with that.”
“So what do you think?”
Mueller rubbed his chin taking the measure of his stiff whiskers.
“Look, they got four FISA warrants on a kid named Carter Page. If he’s such a desperado that we can spy on his scat, shouldn’t we have come up with something? A year of the most intimate surveillance the United States of America can unleash on a citizen and no charges, no indictment, not even a soiled set of boxers.”
The smooth operator who started it all, Carter Page. He was the target of four FISA warrants and they found …………………………………………. nothing.
“What are you saying?”
“If that was the genesis of the case, it was a complete total fraud.”
“The Dossier?”
“Please, I won’t even dignify that piece of excrement by saying the word. How stupid are people? Fusion GPS worked for Obama doing oppo on Romney. The DNC and the Clinton campaign commissioned and paid for it. Since when does the FBI use oppo research as evidence? You notice they didn’t tell those FISA court judges who paid for it, right?”
“So, what should the Attorney General do?”
“If I were the AG, I’d run James Comey past a grand jury and see how he sings. Guy is way off the reservation. Writes confidential memos to himself, gives them to a Columbia Law prof who gives them to the New York Times? Guy was the damn Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation for God’s sake and he’s leaking to the New York Times?”
“Deep state tried to unseat the President didn’t they? They thought Hillary was a shoo in. They thought they would never get caught, but they did. That’s it, isn’t it, Director?”
“Look, Big Red Car, I have to go. You going to pick up the tab?”
“I think the American people already have, Director. Thank you and have a great life.”
And, dear reader, there you have it and now you know. Be well.
