If you are like me, you are still wondering when the 2019-2020 NCAA Tournament, March Madness, is going to start.
Alas, we are well and truly fucked, amigo. It is never going to happen. Which brings me to the quandary of what to do with college basketball come November.
So, I make bold to make a modest proposal. Read to the end before you judge me. Keep an open mind.
The Modest Proposal
I propose that in order to avoid any COVID infection risk, rivalry schools, like the Carolina Tar Heels and the Duke Blue Devils, enter into a series of games which will approximate their season whilst mining the enthusiasm of these critical rivalries and providing loyal fans with the necessary juju and mojo they need to stabilize their lives.
It goes without saying that it will be a welcome diversion from the COVID.
Somebody may make a buck along the way, but, hey, that’s capitalism, right?
1. The Carolina v Duke rivalry in basketball is the gold standard by which all other rivalries are measured.
Carolina, a public school founded in 1789, and Duke, a private school founded in 1838, have played each other in the noble contest of basketball for a century this year. First game was 1920, UNC 38 – Duke 25.
Carolina has won 6 National Championships, been to 20 Final Fours, and has won 50 ACC Championships.
Duke has won 5 National Championships, been to 16 Final Fours, and has won 40 ACC Championships.
Since the 1949-50 season, UNC has scored 13,581 points v Duke’s 13,559. In more than 180 games, that is a total difference of 22 points.
This, my friends, is a serious rivalry that needs to be energized in the face of the COVID.
2. UNC and Duke will play three games a week on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
3. The season will last for twelve weeks with a final week of the Championship Series of three games.
4. The games will be played at UNC, at Duke, and on neutral courts in Winston-Salem, Greensboro, Charlotte, Wilmington, and Moyock. The neutral court games will be on Wednesdays.
5. One game a week will be played by the second string of each team. The top five scorers and minutes players will ride the bench for that game and the second string will mix it up.
There will be McDonald’s All Americans on those second strings. Do not fear.
6. During the Championship Series, there will be a dunk contest and a three point shooting contest with a $50,000 prize to the winners.
7. The games will be live streamed on pay-per-view outlets charging $100 for the season or $5/game with proceeds to cover costs and the balance to be divided by the schools with 25% going to the players with a $100,000 bonus going to the series Most Valuable Player.
[Quick math — 100,000,000 viewers at $50/fan average. You can do that math. That’s $5,000,000,000 which will cover a lot of sins and create a few more. Not one penny goes to the NCAA.]
8. Betting will be allowed with 10% of the handle — gross betting revenue — distributed to the players in a 401K they cannot touch until they are 65.
9. Betting will include individual games, the series, and derivative bets such as most points scored, points off fast breaks — lots of side bets to keep it interesting.
10. At the end of the season, the losing coach must publicly shave off all his body hair on live stream with a rusty razor and olive oil while blindfolded. His wife may assist for the parts he may not be able to reach.
11. The losing team’s cheerleaders have to date the winning team players for a month after the season.
12. The losing team must wear the other team’s tee shirts and hoodies for a month after the series during which they cannot wash them.
That, dear reader, is my modest proposal to keep the spirit of collegiate basketball alive and well in the Times of the COVID.
You may think this is a joke — but, damn it, it could work, make a lot of money, and be a lot of fun. This will make college basketball the powerful inspiration it should be.
In these times of COVID we need to retain our institutions, our senses of humor, give capitalism a shot at things, and root for the Carolina Tar Heels. [I was trying to stay neutral, but I lost it. Sorry. Go Heels!]
Can I count you in?
