Big Red Car here. Oh, boy! The President and I had a nice chat, an exclusive interview. Forget about the weather in Austin, let’s get right to it, y’all.
The President and I sat down together on the flight from Hawaii back to Andrews Air Force Base and had a couple of hours to chat. Here’s what went down.
“Mr. President, thank you for taking the time to visit with me and the American people.”
Always glad to visit with you, Big Red Car, you right wing pile of steel and crap. Just kidding, Big Red.
Hey, is that something dripping off your oil pan? [The President points to the undercarriage of the Big Red Car smiling.]
Just kidding you, Big Red. Happy New Year to you, you old bastard.
What can I answer for you? Got you on that one. [The President slaps the Big Red Car on the hood and laughs taking a drink of his coffee.]
“Mr. President let me start with Cuba. What’s behind the recent decision to re-establish diplomatic relations with Cuba?”
Cuba is a great country. Those Castro brothers have been running the joint for what? Fifty five years! Wow, I’d like to run the US for fifty five years myself. I could really “transform” the US just like the Castro brothers have transformed Cuba. Cuba used to be the third most prosperous country in the Caribbean when they took over and now Dollar General is richer than Cuba. Go figure!
Anyway, they’re my kind of guys–socialists, liars. I could go on forever. But more importantly, let me tell you the real truth, Big Red Car. Can you handle the truth?
Here it is — I love islands. I love Martha’s Vineyard. I love Hawaii. I love Cuba. How come nobody in the media has figured this out?
When I retire, I’m going to want to spend a lot of time on those islands. I’m just an island kind of guy, Big Red.
Now I can vacation on Martha’s Vineyard in the summer and on Cuba during the winters. So, I’m all about vacations and islands and now you know the story, Big Red Car. I love islands. All that other nonsense, shoot, Big Red Car. Next question?
“So, Mr. President, the November elections were a wholesale repudiation of your policies. Many say you have not taken that to heart and are not willing to change your policies to conform to the wishes of the American people. What say you, Mr. President?”
What I say, Big Red, is wow! Talk about a barbed wire enema. I got one — well, not me really. But my policies. The idiot who told me to say “my policies are on the ballot” — a first rate dumbass. Fired him.
I should never have said something that stupid. I don’t like stupid and that was stupid. So what can I say?
The freakin’ Republicans won the Senate, they doubled up on the House but they won those Governorships and those Statehouses. That really hurt.
It was the biggest ass kicking since the 1920s and that was a Republican ass kicking even back then. So, now I’m going to have to learn to live with them. Just hope they re-elect Crying John Boehner as Speaker otherwise this could get messy. Enough, Big Red Car, next question?
“Mr. President, you don’t seem to be willing to acknowledge the message. Am I wrong on that?”
Listen, Big Red, I can’t acknowledge the message. It means my entire administration is a joke and that I enacted some of the most unpopular legislation in the history of the United States.
Valerie tells me I can’t even whisper that or my freakin’ legacy will go the way of Cars For Clunkers — remember that? Nobody else does. It was my best piece of legislation.
So, no, Big Red Car, President Obama not going to be acknowledging that ass kicking. Not going to happen. Next question, Big Red. Let’s move it along here.
“Mr. President, the country is enjoying substantially lower oil prices and gasoline prices are drifting below $2/gallon. What do you attribute that to?”
Hell, Big Red Car, good leadership. Great leadership by me, Big Red Car. Any time anything good happens — guess what? It’s ME. Me, me, me, me.
When bad stuff happens, then it’s George Bush, the intractable Republicans or the weather.
Bad stuff? Not me. George W Bush.
Good stuff? Me, me, me, me.
Next question, Big Red Car. Damn good question by the way, pal. Going to get you a wax and a massage on the flight home for that one. Thanks.
“But, Mr. President, the industry says you’ve done nothing to create a coherent national energy policy and, in fact, you’ve been an impediment to energy independence. Many folks take issue with your decision — lack of a decision — on the Keystone XL pipeline?”
Look, Big Red Car. Let’s not get caught in our underwear on this. Energy prices are going down. Some guy said it’s the largest tax cut in the history of my administration. That’s good. I take credit for all good stuff.
Remember? Good stuff — me, me, me.
That pipeline, you can forget that completely. Not going to happen. More likely Michelle comes to bed tonight in a KKK chemise than that pipeline getting built. What’s it been? Six years. Not going to happen. Ever.
But remember the recent decline in energy prices and the good news at the pump — me, me, me.
“Mr. President, your popularity has taken some recent hits. In addition to the recent election, your integrity has been questioned and folks believe you to be a liar. Are you a liar, Mr. President, and is it fair to question your integrity?”
You know, Big Red Car, I can cancel that wax job as easy as I can order it. You’re going to want to get a civil tongue in your head, boy. Let me set you straight on this lying crap. Teachable moment or some such nonsense.
First, there are things said on the campaign trail that nobody ever believes — Hope & Change? Hell, even Valerie has no idea what that is supposed to mean. How can I understand something if even Valerie says she doesn’t get it. So, no harm and no foul for Barack on that score.
Then there was the messiness and misunderstandings about The Affordable Care Act. I told folks they could keep their insurance plans, their doctors and premiums would go down and the total cost of health care would go down. Sure, I got it a little wrong. That idiot, Gruber, had to show up with all of his videos and other such nonsense. Who let that idiot into the mix anyway? Who videoed all those statements?
So, yes, Big Red Car, there were a few minor — very minor in my view — misunderstandings but now it’s all good and everyone loves it. Right?
So, it’s all good.
“But, Mr. President, not one of those things turned out to be true and there is ample evidence — you did mention Professor Gruber — that you and your administration knew all of this well before you made those utterances? Right?”
Hey, I like that “utterances”. Yeah, they weren’t lies, they were utterances. Whatever works for you, Big Red Car. Consider that one stolen but for a very good cause.
OK, let’s cut the crap. I never had any idea as to what the plan would be. You think I ever read it? No, I didn’t, Big Red.
I did have the presence of mind once the damn website didn’t work to start calling it the ACA rather than Obamacare. Obama doesn’t like to put his name on failures.
Sure that Professor Gruber was a dumbass. All those, what did you call them, Big Red? Oh, yeah, utterances. That son of a bitch made too damn many utterances.
Let me bottom line it for you, Big Red. The Affordable Care Act is here to stay. Nobody, not McConnell or Boehner, is going to change it. I will veto anything that even remotely changes it. I got my pen and my phone and I got Valerie. Used to have that Gruber but he’s dead to me now.
Sure the American people hate it overwhelmingly and sure it erects an entire new tax regime on an unsuspecting America. But, damn it, I want it, Big Red Car, and I don’t care if Nancy Pelosi ever reads it.
One more question, Big Red Car, make it a good one.
“Mr. President, what do you think will be your legacy?”
Easy one, Big Red Car. I’m going to end up there on Mount Rushmore. I’ll be the guy who transformed America into a welfare state. The guy who made it possible for the government to control the entire social safety network — love that phrase — and put the entire country on the dole.
I will have remade our relationships throughout the world. A few of them, like in the Middle East, are works in progress but things are going swimmingly with Putin and the Russians — told him I’d have more flexibility in my second term, right? Son of a bitch didn’t have to go ugly on an ape in the Ukraine. I would have given it to him for his birthday if he had just showed some restraint.
Healed the land, calmed the waters. Hoped & Changed everything. Raised the Hell out of taxes and spent like a drunken sailor on shore leave.
Hey, Big Red, I’m going to give you one more question. I liked that one.
“Mr. President, I suppose no interview would be complete without asking a question about race relations? How do you feel you have transformed race relations during your presidency?”
Race relations are great. Remember I’m black. Right? I’m black.
Sure I’m technically only half black and I was raised by white parents and grandparents. There are those nitpickers who will observe I have not a drop of the American slave experience in my veins but I got Michelle in my bed and she’s got it in her veins.
I did go to a private high school, Occidental, Columbia and then Harvard. Not bad, Big Red Car?
It isn’t my fault that I didn’t grow up in the ‘hood or the ghetto. That’s why my favorite adviser is THE Reverend Al Sharpton. My man!
I’m not sure he’s actually a reverend but it sure sounds nice. I make no moves without checking with the Reverend. He’s my adviser on all race relations and riots, too. The Rev is good on riots also.
So, look, race relations are a lot better since I took office. The Ferguson thing — OK so that young man turns out to be a thug and not a gentle giant. OK. I got a few of these things wrong because I didn’t bother to get the facts sorted out. Blaming that on Valerie, don’t tell her.
Bottom line, race relations in America is now way better than when I took office. Way better. I wonder if they’re going to make me black on Mount Rushmore or if the white half of me is going to be the only thing showing. Better get Valerie to look into that, no?
OK, Big Red Car, wrap this up and let’s get back to making America a lot better for me. No, I meant for the people not just me. I’ve got to run. Have to review the plans for my upcoming trip to Cuba. Love those freakin’ islands.
The Big Red Car did NOT receive his wax and massage after all. That utterance turned out not to be true.