Big Red Car here with another exclusive interview — well, Robbie Francis says we’re “livestreaming a convo.”
You will remember we had an interview with Artemis, his dog, right?
“So, Mr. O’Rourke, thank you for allowing me to interview you.
“Nope, livestreaming a convo. Keep it real. I livestreamed my dental cleaning. I livestreamed my haircut, ear hair trim, nose hair trim. We’re livestreaming, baby. Then, we’re going to Whataburger on a skateboard.”
“That’s an energetic undertaking, Robbie.”
“Beto, Big Red Car. B-E-T-O, Beto.”
“OK, let’s start there, shall we. What do you say to people who say you are a poseur because you want people to think you’re Hispanic by using that name?”
“I say, ‘I feel Hispanic.’ If you feel it, you are it. What’s next?”
“You don’t feel like a poseur?”
“Is this going to be one of those kind of interviews, the kind where you try to trick me? I thought the interview with Artemis was fair. Just treat me like you treat my dog.”
“Fine, sorry I touched a nerve. Forgive me. How about the dental cleaning livestreaming?” I asked.
“Needed a dental cleaning, so I thought I would be genuine and get one with the people. Problem?” he asked.
“Well, some say it feels gimmicky, not presidential. What say you?”
“I say it looks presidential as fuck. Notice that avant garde use of profanity for coolness and effect.”
“Very good, Mr. O’Rourke. How do think Vladimir Putin reacts to something like that?”
“Dude, it’s Beto. No Beto, I pack it in right now. We good?”
“Yes, sorry, Beto. Putin?”
“I think Vlad takes his shirt off and gets his teeth cleaned with me. We sit right next to each other. Maybe the dental hygienists go topless. Dude’s a fucking brute. Hell, maybe we livestream the Hell out of it. Go international. Hello, America. Hello, Russia.”
“So, the haircut? Elaborate on that, please.”
“Man of the people and all. Staff wanted me to skateboard to the barber shop, but there’s some gnarly hills. So, I Ubered it — get it, hip as fuck, Uber.”
“The nose hairs, ear hairs?”
“Not afraid to show the dark side of life. Nose hair and ear hair is a thing. Maybe Hillary wins if she put more emphasis on personal grooming. Ever think of that?”
“No, never thought of that. So, OK, Beto. What do you say to people who suggest that Mayor Pete is running in your lane and has stolen your mojo?”
“I say, Pete, dude, run in your own lane. Fuck with me and I’ll closet jump on you — come out as a gay man. You and Chasten better think about that. I need to be gay, Hell, yes, I feel gay.”
“The fact that you’re married, have children, and are not gay going to be a problem?”
“Hell no. If an Irish kid can be a Beto, why can’t I be a flamer? My wife is rich and she won’t have a problem with that.”
“Speaking of your wife. There are reports your father-in-law is a billionaire. You say?”
“I say that’s all bullshit. He’s worth nine hundred million, not even within earshot of billionaire. Just folks, y’all.”
“Some say your campaign has peaked too early and that you’re trying to re-boot the campaign. Any accuracy to Beto 2.0?”
“Dude, that is so wow! Beto 2.0 twice as cool as Beto 1.0! Reboot Beto, y’all. Love it.”
“So will Beto 2.0 be announcing some policies, changed policies?”
“Tread lightly, old car dude. I purposely am not changing policies because if you haven’t announced any policies, nobody can accuse you of being a flip-flopper. No policies for Beto 1.0 and keeping the flame alive for Beto 2.0. Dude!”
“How about the five trillion dollar Green Energy plan?”
“Step back from the edge, Big Red Car. That was five trillion for climate change. You got me mixed up with that hot dingbat, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Don’t tell Artemis I said AOC was hot. She’s the New Green Deal or is it the Green New Deal? Batshit crazy, but you want to see crazy? Take a look at my Beto 2.0 five trillion dollar Climate Change Proposal. That motherfucker is batshit crazy, but it is cool as fuck.”
“So, can we talk skateboarding? Is that real or is it another example of your being a fakir?”
“Ask me when me and Vlad Putin are skateboarding bare chested around the White House. I can see skateboarding taking a serious run at world peace — us, the Russians, Hamas, Hezbollah, Iran? We get together and skateboard naked if we have to. Last guy standing runs the world. OK, I guess we have to bring the Chinese into the deal.”
“You left out Israel, Beto.”
“Not a mistake. I’m a Dem. We own the American Jewish voting bloc. We can do anything and they will vote for us. Don’t ask me why. We regularly betray them, but they still vote Dem.”
“So, the polls? You’ve got Joe Biden, a recent entrant, running away with the polls. What gives?”
“Son-of-a-bitch is like what — a hundred and six. We are the today, the now party. He was around before they invented Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram. Doesn’t understand Twitter. I have one question — is the hip, progressive Democrat party going to elect a dinosaur who will be eighty when he is in office? Guy can’t skateboard. Guy doesn’t livestream anything. No, baby. It’s Beto time.”
“But, former Vice President Biden is leading all the polls. Somebody likes him.”
“Dude, he’s up there with his homies — the white, dinosaur, unwoke, straight, men types. Me, I’m woke, hip as fuck. Be fair.”
“But many say that Biden is leading because the Democrats need a more conventional candidate, a centrist candidate, somebody who can win versus Trump. And, let’s face it, you’re rich, white, straight– I did get the ‘I could be gay’ vibe — have a wife, a gaggle of kids, a dog, live in a big house. What do you say to people who say all you need is a Volvo to be the boring, traditional American family?”
“Skateboard, livestreaming, jumping up on bars, swinging my hands all around — I am happening.”
“More than Mayor Pete? He’s already trending higher in all the polls. Can you just ignore that reality?”
“OK, Big Red Car, what the fuck do you want me to say?”
“That you realize you can’t win and throw your support to someone else?”
“I almost beat Teddy Cruz. Chopped liver, Big Red Car? Take your time, Dude.”
“Some say that you couldn’t beat him, that he was a real Hispanic and you’re a poseur. I don’t know what to tell you.”
Just then Beto noticed, remembered the cameras were still livestreaming.
“Out, stop the cameras. I’m just too sensitive, too vulnerable, too woke. Where the fuck is Vanity Fair when I need them. I’m Beto, hear me roar!”
Hands in my pockets like the Gipper. Outdoors, black Lab named Artemis. What kind of dog does Mayor Pete have? Sleepy Joe? It’s Texas, road goes on forever and the party never ends. Woke!
Artemis, the dog, came onto the set and whispered to me, “Nice job, asshole. Now, I’m going to have to lick his feet for the next four hours. Thanks a lot. By the way, do you have a cookie? Beano said to charge you a dozen warm chocolate chip cookies.”
And, dear reader, there you have it, your Beto 2.0.
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Be well.
