The State of the Union — things you will NOT hear

Big Red Car here.  Ahhh, 75F today and The Boss was out walking the Town Lake Trail in the warm sunlight.  Nice to be back from NYC and the blizzard and cold temps, eh, Boss?

So, Tuesday is the night for the President’s State of the Union speech.  The Boss was musing about some stuff you surely will NOT hear in that speech, Old Sport.

Foreign Relations

President Obama, stuff you will NOT hear in the SOTU speech:

“OMG, we have really fucked up the Middle East big time.  Iraq is in the midst of a civil war and Al Qaeda — yeah, I know they’re really not “on the run” or “decapitated” or whatever nonsense I was saying during the election, OK, you got me on that one — has taken control of both Ramallah and Fallujah.  We bought those cities for the Iraqis with Marine Corps blood and now they’ve just given them back again.  Al Qaeda did not even have a foothold in Iraq during the regime of Saddam Hussein.  Maybe pulling out without that SFA (strategic forces agreement or status of forces for you old school folk) wasn’t such a good idea.”

“OK, I know that we have really screwed up Libya, Egypt, Syria, Iraq, Iran and Afghanistan.  I got that.  George Bush’s fault?  Can’t I get a Mulligan on some of that shit?  I get it that even Saudia Arabia is now pissed off with us.  That’s hard to do.  That Muslim Brotherhood experiment in Egypt really turned into a shitstorm.  Sorry about that.”

“Please remind me not to make any more red lines.  Ever.  Didn’t work in Syria or Iran.  No more red lines, Valerie.  Ever.”

 “This Iran thing is going to get messy.  I put that dipshit John Kerry in charge of it all and now the damn Iranians got their money out of cold storage.  And the damn ayatollahs aren’t even going to stop centrifuging — yeah, enriching — their damn uranium.  Of course, they’re making a damn bomb.  Stop telling me that.  I already know it.  Everybody knows it.  Hell, even the Iranians have now admitted it.  Come on, Bibi, can’t you help a Brother out here?  Either bomb those damn Iranians or learn to live with some neighbors who think you don’t deserve to exist (and have a nuclear bomb).  That can’t be too hard, right?  Bibi?  Bibi?”

The Economy

President Obama, stuff you will NOT hear in the SOTU speech:

“Holy shit, this economy is way worse than I ever thought it could get.  Sure I funded every liberal wet dream with the Stimulus but Nancy and Harry promised this crazy shit would work.  I admit it.  It hasn’t worked.”

“OK, I admit we haven’t created a single net new job since I took office.  I admit it.  Hey, Governor Perry, thanks for making Texas make us all look like a bunch of douchebags.  You and your damn oil boom and new jobs.  Wasn’t there a third thing, Governor?  Haha, got your ass on that one, Rickie.  Haha.”

“I don’t have a damn clue as to how to create a job — I was just a community organizer for God’s sake.  What the Hell did you think I knew anyway?  If you really wanted jobs you should have elected that Mittens guy.  Yeah, he’s had a lot of experience running things and me — none.  Hey, I loved the Mitt Romney documentary.  Just damn glad THAT GUY didn’t run against me.  Haha, screw you, Mitt.”

Energy Policy

President Obama, stuff you will NOT hear in the SOTU speech:

“How fucking stupid are you people, really?  I haven’t approved the damn Keystone Pipeline deal in the last five years because I am NOT going to approve it EVER.  Fuck Canada and fuck the oil companies.  Hell, it’s been five damn years and I’m still just “thinking” about it.  You really are stupid.”

“Sure, I gave a whole lot of money to all those bat shit crazy solar companies.  Here’s the secret — those same bat shit crazy guys gave ME a whole lot of money to get elected and re-elected.  Don’t you get it?  I give them money.  They give me money.  I get elected and re-elected.  In my book, that’s a damn good energy policy.  Every one of them failed, you say?  Hell, just collateral damage.”

“We need to get out in front of this fracking and horizontal drilling and 3D seismic technology before we become……………….energy independent.”

“Can you imagine how different the damn world world would be if we didn’t have to worry about the freakin’ Straits of Hormuz?”

Lying

President Obama, stuff you will NOT hear in the SOTU speech:

“Sure, I told a few lies about the Affordable Care Act — we are not calling that POS OBAMAcare anymore, right — to get it passed.  Even I think it was kind of nasty to tell you that you could keep your plan, your doctor, your premiums were coming down or that the deficit was going to be reduced.  But, hey, it was YOUR fault for believing that shit.  Haha.  You’re smarter than that, right?  No, you aren’t and that’s why I got re-elected in the first place.  WTF do you think I didn’t let your Congressman read it before it was voted on?”

“OK, Benghazi was a big damn lie also.  Luckily I got Ambassador Susan Rice, my home girl for sure, to trot out and sell that lame story of the guy with the “offensive” video.  It would have been in a bit of conflict with my election “meme” — who the Hell invents words like that anyway — that I had singlehandedly whipped Al Qaeda and had those bad boys on the run.  I hope I didn’t kill Hillary’s chances at getting her bit of cheddar but why would I really GAS about her anyway?”

“Oh, man, that IRS business was a close one, no?  WTF do you think a guy makes almost 200 visits to the White House for anyway?  Sure quite a few folks have resigned but it was the chumps who took the Fifth Amendment who really worried me.  Sure there was a bit of criminal activity over there at the IRS but you got no emails on me.  Maybe I did set the tone but who got hurt anyway?  Just a bunch of right wing assholes who were going to try to keep me from getting re-elected anyway, right?  Screw them.  It’s my IRS, baby.  Wait until they start enforcing OBAMAcare, you’re going to love those stormtroopers.”

OBAMAcare

President Obama, stuff you will NOT hear in the SOTU speech:

“OK, so OBAMAcare is a piece of shit.  I know that.  Still, we are not changing anything.  ANYTHING.  Well, except for stuff I personally decide to change.  Who says I can’t change a few things about some law the Congress passed because I told them to pass it?  Hey, I’ve got a pen and a phone and I can change anything I don’t like.  And, pal, I don’t like YOU.”

“I admit it was a stupid idea to base OBAMAcare on the millennials signing up for coverage — Joe Biden’s stupid idea —and then telling those dipshits they could stay on their parents’ insurance until they were 46 — or was it 26 — and sleep in their parents’ basements for a decade or two.  As long as they vote for me, I am happy and who GAS what they think?”

“The website?  The freakin’ website?  I paid $800,000,000 and I got a POS website.  Yes, I know it doesn’t work and we had 3 1/2 years to make it work perfectly but WTF do I know about websites?  Nothing.  We just hired that guy from Microsoft to sort it all out.  It’s going to end up looking like MS Office by the time he’s done.  So what?  Don’t say a critical word about the website, you racists.”

“The keeping your plan, your doctor, the premiums going down, the cost of healthcare “bending over” — hahaha — the deficit going down — all bullshit on my part and you dumbasses believed it.  Now WTF are you going to do about it?  I got you.  But, hey, I’ll make it up to you — I’ll raise taxes on the rich guys again.  Sure they won’t create any jobs but at least they will remember my name, no?”

“Hey, I just go confused at the last minute and forgot to tell you that the insurance companies were going to cancel the Hell out of your insurance policies — you now, the ones you “liked” — and require you to buy new ones.  My bad.  Let’s get focused on my Final Four bracket, OK?”

Miscellaneous

President Obama, stuff you will NOT hear in the SOTU speech:

“So the other day some reporter asks me in an interview what I think about marijuana?  Huh?  I was a freakin’ stoner since middle school.  I love weed.  Hell, truth be known, I worship weed.  So I said:  “Hell, it’s just like alcohol.”  Inside I was laughing because it’s a lot better than alcohol.  Sure my NIH guys have been preaching it is twice as carcinogenic as cigarettes, lowers your IQ and retards your intellectual development — but look how well I turned out.  Really, I smoked a lot of choom.  A lot.  You will be tempted to criticize me but I can assure you that if I catch you sharing some weed with Malia or Sasha — Michelle will whip your sorry ass.  After the interview, the reporter and I………..hahaha —  on you.  Just saying.”

“OK, so I did say that the reason my approval ratings have been slumping down into the 30’s is…………………racism.  Some folks don’t like me because I’m black.  Well half black anyway.  No American slave blood in me and sure I was raised by a white mother and grans and I never lived in the ghetto.  Plain and simple matter of racism, nothing more.  Not my POS outcomes, policies, programs and pronouncements.  No, RACISM.  I was magnanimous enough to also admit that some folks like me for the same reason — I am black for them in a very good way.  Of course, if they like me because I am black, they are NOT racists.  Right?”

“That little prick, Robert Gates, and his book is a bit disrespectful — racist maybe — about me and Joe Biden.  Says Joe Biden has been wrong on every foreign policy issue for almost half a century.  Cruel, Bobby Boy.  But, really, DUH?”

So there you have it, Old Sport.  Stuff you will not hear in the President’s State of the Union message on Tuesday.  But, hey, listen closely cause I could be wrong.

I’m still a Big Red Car, a classic.

  • Larry Mays

    Jeff, this your best yet! While I really enjoy your shared CEO expertise, your wit, wisdom, and humor REALLY shine a light on the harsh state of affairs our feckless POTUS has allowed to happen on his watch!