The D Theory of Life

Big Red Car here. Wow, it is unbelievable here in the ATX — weather, scent of spring (except for the killer pollen), and the flowers. The azaleas are spectacular.

So The Boss has a theory about life. It is a protective theory. Read about it here. The D theory of life.

Happy Easter to all!

The D Theory of Life

The Boss’s theory is very simple.

When your butt is on the line and you need professional help, your helper will have made a “D” in that course, the relevant course that was intended to educate your helper on how to save your life.

When your butt is on the line, the guy helping you made a “D” in that course.

Swirl it around in your mind. Let it find its own roots. Remember this, please.

Hepatitis

When The Boss was CEOing a pretty good size real estate company once upon a time, he contracted hepatitis. He got it from his young son, who got it from a playmate, who got it from a maid’s child, who got it in Monterrey. It was on special in Monterrey and they were giving it out for free. Mexico is a great country.

Most kids in Texas blast through hepatitis when they are children. The Boss didn’t grow up in Texas. He got here as fast as he could but he is not a native, a fact which he bemoans regularly. There is nothing sloppier than The Boss bemoaning anything. Needs to clean up his act.

When The Boss’s kids were tested, they had the antibodies — number one son had them for sure because the little bugger was the Hepatitis Harry disease carrier. He had been sick for one day throwing up in the water fountain at the old La Madeleine on Lamar where the Copper Skillet used to be and where Cafexpress has set up shop.

[Pro tip: Cafexpress has incredible lobster rolls in season which is right now. Who would have ever thought that?]

The Doctor

The Boss goes to a doctor and he prescribes Tylenol with codeine. Tylenol and codeine is the WORST freakin’ thing he could have prescribed. Hepatitis is an all out assault on your liver and Tylenol with codeine is almost as bad for your liver as the freakin’ disease itself.

Can you feel the “D” coming forward? Hang on, dear reader. It gets worse.

The Boss returns a couple of days later, his body having told him to stop taking the medicine. It only took three days of incredible hot flashes and stinging cold chills unbowed by standing under burning hot water to wake The Boss up to the possibilities. The Boss can be a slow learner sometimes.

Three days later, he has turned a lovely shade of yellow — jaundice.

The color of yellow is the same as the cheapest paint you can buy at Lowe’s or Home Depot. It is so ugly graffiti artists refuse to use it. That is ugly.

[Side note: When you turn yellow from hepatitis induced jaundice, everything turns yellow. Your eyelids. Your external sexual reproductive organs and all their accouterments. This is very disturbing, at first, then you begin to see Mother Nature’s sense of humor and you laugh. The first time you notice this phenomenon, no laughter. A bright yellow “thing” is an acquired taste. I am sure.]

When the doctor sees The Boss — in all his yellow glory — the doctor exclaims: “I almost killed you. Tylenol with codeine is the worst thing I could have prescribed.”

The D

The doctor changes The Boss’s prescription to . . . . . . nothing because, other than eating a lot of fruits, vegetables, and lean beef there is no real treatment for hepatitis. You have to let it run its course.

The doctor later says he has never seen a case of adult onslaught hepatitis A. This was not a particularly comforting utterance.

The doctor had clearly not been paying attention in class and had made a “D” in that course.

He was a very nice man, very empathetic about trying to kill The Boss but let’s be brutally honest here — the guy made a “D” in that course.

Subsequently, The Boss gets a consult from the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins where he meets the world’s authority on adult hepatitis who cheerily informs him that it is a serious condition and that a meaningful percentage of victims die from it. The guy at Johns Hopkins did NOT make a “D” in the course. Unfortunately, he confirmed there is nothing — NOTHING — to be done for hepatitis and he also says that Tylenol laced with codeine is the worst possible treatment. “Deadly” was his exact word.

Recovery

It took eighteen months for The Boss to recover during which he lived on fruits, vegetables, and lean beef. He slept sometimes around the clock.

That is the kind of price you may pay for doing business with someone who has made a “D” in the course which will determine your fate.

Advice

So what can you do? The answer is simple . . . . . . . NOTHING!

Just be forewarned and thereby forearmed. The D Theory of Life. Get a second opinion at critical times in your life. But know someone in the room may have made a “D” in that course.

But, hey, what the hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Be kind to yourself. Are you going to root for Kentucky? Shame on you.    

  • jim mchugh

    Lobster Roles in Texas…? Do they come with barbecue sauce? You should go here for the real ones: http://www.peteys.com/

  • Love your self-deprecating sense of humor.