Big Red Car here. Out early this morning checking things out in the ATX with the Labrador. That dog is a wonder.
Sunrise was spectacular. Not a cloud in the sky. The University of Texas Tower lit up burnt orange. All is right with the world.
Or is it?
Women, you delectable morsels of beauty and providers of all things good and great, I am about to commit treason to my gender and share a secret with you that will change your lives. Forever. Listen carefully.
The NCAA basketball tournament
Yes, beloved beauties, this is a critical time of the year in the life of your man. It is March Madness. Don’t look away, my dear. Pay attention.
Yes, March Madness. The Madness is the time when the best college basketball teams scrap it out to claim the national championship. It is why men work so hard, to watch this extravaganza of emotion and luck and talent.
When God was designing the Earth, he gave men and women some special gifts. Chief amongst them was the ability to pee standing up and the ability to have multiple orgasms. Men got first pick and women got the better pick thereby establishing who got the biggest helping of intelligence. Sorry, guys. But the third thing God did was foreshadow the NCAA basketball tournament. He gave us free will. He gave us intelligence. He gave us, through the intelligent exercise of our free will, the NCAA basketball tournament.
Yes, March Madness is a gift from God. It is even in the Bible.
The road to happiness
Women deserve to be happy. The whole child birth thing is the penance women pay and they are deserving of happiness as a result of this burden. Eminently fair and indisputable.
Men, on the other hand if they are lucky, should be forced to beg and humble themselves to find the right love, mate, partner. This is the lot of a job whose title is “breadwinner.” Men deserve this.
The only dividend in the pursuit of making your particular woman happy is the NCAA basketball tournament. Yes, March Madness is the great leveler for men. It is the payback for being the breadwinner. It is the pay window for taking out the garbage, killing wild animals, getting the oil changed, driving the car pool. If a man has a complaint about his lot in life, then look him in the eyes and say those two divine words: March Madness.
Your account is now square.
Enjoying March Madness
I apologize for being so direct but a man must be allowed to enjoy March Madness in a ritualistic and programmed manner. The secret is how.
Women everywhere, I am about to unveil and reveal that secret. Take notes. Pay attention. Get a Moleskine notebook and commit it to posterity.
The experience starts with the allocation of time. Clear the calendar, girls. Give your man the space to enjoy March Madness. Go visit your sister in Paris for a couple of weeks. He won’t even notice you’re gone. Go skiing. Spring skiing can be glorious. Give him the space. Let him take a few vacation days. If anyone from the office calls tell them that after his root canal he is intending to get that pesky hernia fixed and therefore, no, he cannot answer a little question.
1. Provide him with a television that is equal to the task. It must be a flat screen that requires at least two men to carry. Anything less will simply not do.
Go directly to Sam’s or Costco, even Best Buy, and buy, mount, test and deliver the 50″ to 80″ bit of cutting edge (bleeding edge perhaps) technology that includes any and all connections to the Internet. Get the model that has the direct NSA connection to save everybody a lot of time.
2. Make sure that Skype is working so he can call directly for pizza and to find you when he loses the remote control device. [Pro tip: Buy at least one extra remote control. I will spare you any talk of batteries. You already know what to do.]
Attach a small keyboard, a laser mouse and a high definition camera so he can talk to you. One more thing about the television, it must have picture in picture. Trust me on this one, please.
3. I’m just going to say this one time. Pizza, barbecue, beef jerky, chips (Wavy Lays and kettle chips with sea salt and cracked pepper), dips, sandwiches (look at the Little Deli menu in Austin), submarines, hot dogs and burgers. It is perfectly fine to stock some salmon burgers (cheese and jalapenos, please) and some Kobe burgers but make damn sure you’ve got soft buns. [Yes, I know that women have naturally soft buns, dear, but we’re talking hamburger buns here. Haha, very funny, Big Red Car.]
4. Liquids. This is not typically a time for Crystal Light but it could work. With vodka likely. Beer, cider, hard cider, hard lemonade, Orangina, diet Schweppes gingerale and non-corporate espresso. This is an area where a bit of pillow talk may be necessary. Quiz your man and get him what he drinks. Do not experiment. Go with proven winners. Do not fret about sugar or carbohydrate content. Caution is on the wind.
5. While your man is going to want a bit of solitude, he will need a neck massage and a hand massage from time to time. Particular focus should be placed on whichever finger is operating the remote control. Do not use any oil or cream. It will just gunk up the remote control and attract dirt.
Do not initiate any sexual contact. Few men have enough passion for both March Madness and sex. The resulting feeling of inadequacy can ruin an otherwise sound physical relationship. No amount of Viagra can help you with this. Take a young lover named Eduardo or Chipper depending on personal preference, availability and pricing. Check Angie’s List. Angie will stock up just before March Madness on young lovers. Make sure your lover understands this is all about March Madness so he doesn’t get the wrong idea. You have needs. They’re just not as important as March Madness.
6. March Madness is not without its redeeming features for you, sugar. You may remove any and all credit cards from your man’s wallet. It is not advisable for him to have sharp objects during March Madness. Consider this as a safety issue.
You may attempt to wear the freakin’ numbers off any one card. Not all but one. You must exercise a modicum of restraint but such modici come in large, extra large and extra extra large. Get the right size for you.
Go to discount stores out of a sense of propriety, please. No to Neiman’s. Yes to Neiman’s Last Call. You know this turf well. Be judicious.
7. Put a case of toilet tissue in the adjoining or closest bathroom. Extra towels in the closest shower. Nothing other than soap. No hair products.
8. No outside visitors who are not carrying pizza boxes. No little kids. Only very big dogs like Labs. No Shih Tzus or Prince Charles Spaniels. A safety issue.
These are the big ones. The other stuff like cell phone chargers you can work out yourself. No, he isn’t going to go to church on Sundays. Sorry. God will forgive him because God invented March Madness as you well know if you’ve been paying attention.
That’s all there is to it, ladies. No hill for a climber like you, right?
Still, many women manage to screw this up every year contributing to the high rate of relationship turnover. Do not become a statistic.
When the final game is played on that Monday night, you and your man will emerge with a new found intimacy and he will take you to your favorite restaurant the next weekend. Order the most expensive item on the menu, get a great bottle of wine and look at him and say: “Well, beloved male rock steady foundation of my life, which game did you enjoy the best?”
You will be safe on dinner conversation for at least through dessert and maybe the Sambuca. If you are a recycler, you can use that question more than once.