Big Red Car here. The Boss is in the ‘Boat sliding down the slopes with little sticks attached to his big feet. Why? Why, Boss?
Meanwhile, here in the ATX, me and the house sitter are enjoying the 65F sunny weather with the top down. Haha. Do not tell The Boss.
So, in a surprise announcement the House and the Senate Republicans were caught flat footed when the Capitol police informed them that they would no longer be allowed to use the men’s rooms in the Capitol and the Capitol Complex.
Some were caught off guard but Mitch McConnell had it about right when he said, “It was going to happen some day, wasn’t it? We haven’t acted like men for a long time. Paul Ryan called to ask if I had found our balls and I said I had not. Haven’t seen them since the 2014 mid-terms. Sorry.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan was not so magnanimous, saying, “I’ve got a thick black beard.Very manly by any standard. Sure, we gave the President everything he asked for in our recent faux omnibus spending bill. We acted like little girls but this is embarrassing and constitutes a micro-aggression. I thought I had the balls but, oh, well!”
The Republicans, having been granted control of the Senate and having their majority enhanced even further in the House by the electorate in 2014, gave the President the following Christmas presents:
1. The Republicans fully funded Obamacare after promising in 2014 to repeal it.
2. The Republicans fully funded Planned Parenthood after solemnly promising to defund it.
3. The Republicans fully funded all of the President’s immigration initiatives including accepting as many Syrian refugees as can be shipped to the US including however many of them are ISIS affiliates.
4. The Republicans added $80 billion to the deficit after promising to reduce the deficits.
5. The Republicans abandoned the “sequester” automatic spending cuts they had received as the quid pro quo for raising taxes in the past.
When asked about this, Speaker Ryan said, “We also promised to post bills for review, conduct our business under the rules of regular order, and a lot of other stuff. None of that stuff happened either.”
When he was reminded that the omnibus bill was over 2,000 pages, was available for less than 48 hours, and was supported by all the Democrats and just a handful of Republicans, he said, “That’s bi-partisanship, baby.”
One is tempted to observe that the voters for a bill may suggest whose interest is best served by that bill.
The President said, “Thank you to my girls, Mitch and Paul. Y’all did good. Next year, I’m going to let you pass my gun control initiative, close Gitmo, allow every refugee in the Middle East into the country, and increase the deficits. Haha, Merry Christmas, girls.”
The Capitol Police were direct when they informed Senator McConnell and Speaker Ryan, “Even in the gender ambiguous world we currently live in, the failure of the basic male nature of the Republican party makes it inappropriate for you to be allowed admission to the men’s rooms in the Capitol and the Capitol Complex.”
When confronted with this harsh judgment, Ryan also said, “I’m not sure who has the cojones this week. I borrowed them for a few hours last week but they just didn’t fit. I’ll do so much better in 2016 because my wife says she’s getting me a pair for Christmas.”
In other news, Donald Trump said, “Face it, they’re pussies. I don’t know why the women in the Senate and House want these chicas in their restrooms. My balls? Huge!”
But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car but I recognize a ballless bunch of girly men when I see them. Be nice to each other, y’all. And if you find the Republicans’ missing balls will you please turn them into lost & found?