Big Red Car here reporting on SXSW from the front lines in ATX. First, yes, the weather here today was gorgeous: 85F, clear skies, light winds, SUNSCREEN, ya’ll!
So the Big Red Car received some questions from the 250,000 hipsters, geeks and nerds roaming Austin as part of SXSW.
Big Red Car, what’s up with this weather?
Austin, Texas, has great weather. Even today was a bit warm at 85F it was quite enjoyable. Some of ya’ll need to start visiting a tanning booth before coming to the ATX. The Big Red Car has never seen as many pasty faces, arms, legs and cleavage. Please, ya’ll, a bit of responsible sun worship. Please.
Big Red Car, everyone’s so damn nice. What’s up with that?
Hipsters, Texas is not the South, it is the West and in the West we do not run over pedestrians — not sporting. We do not beep our horns. We Hook ‘Em Horns!
We like ya’ll even if you don’t know how to act. It’s a Texas thang and it’s for real.
Big Red Car, what’s with the “ya’ll” business? Are we in the South?
Nerds, you are in Texas and we like to say “ya’ll” as part of our cultural heritage.
Tonight when you are out and about, try it. Look over at your friends and just bust it out: “Hey, ya’ll, what do ya’ll want to do?” They will look at you and say: “Damn, that was cool.”
Big Red Car, where is the Alamo? Can’t find it. Walked up and down Congress Avenue looking for it.
OK, geeks, the Alamo is in San Antonio. Always has been. No amount of Shiner Boch or Peacemaker is going to change that fact.
Big building up at the end of Congress Avenue is the Capitol of Texas. The chick on top is the Goddess of Liberty. She was down for some maintenance — cut, curl, color, bikini wax — a few years ago.
During Reconstruction, Texas told the Union Feds that the Capitol was 5′ shorter than the US Capitol. Penis envy thang. Actually, it’s 5′ taller than the US Capitol. Still a penis envy thang. Sorry. Joke on the Feds. Remember Reconstruction was when the North occupied the South with soldiers. Yeah, nobody likes to talk about that.
Big Red Car, someone said Texas has some basic food groups, what are they?
Grasshopper, they are breakfast tacos, TexMex and BBQ. Also lots of great home grown beers. Drink some Peacemaker if you can find it.
OK, here they are: Torchy’s Tacos, Las Manitas (inside Austin joke on you, ask someone), Guero’s, Santa Rita, Matt’s El Rancho, Gourmands (East Austin dive, best sandwiches in the world and great tattooed waitresses), Little Deli (this is a very cherished secret do not tell anyone else, please), Green Mesquite BBQ, Counter Cafe, Shoal Creek Saloon, Texas French Bread, Fonda San Miguel, Chuy’s, Franklin BBQ (you will have to wait here unless you get it to go), Home Slice, Salvation Pizza, Russel’s, The Tavern and Sweetish Hill Bakery.
This is local Austin foodie intelligence. Do not share with anyone else, please.
Pro tip: Never try the chips and salsa until after they bring you your water. Trust me on this.
Big Red Car, what’s with all the good looking girls and guys?
First, everyone looks a bit better when they are not bundled up fighting subzero temperatures. So a lot of the lookers are ya’ll, nerds.
Second, we have almost 100,000 students in town. All good looking. The ugly ones go to Houston. Sorry, Houston.
Third, everyone is wearing their best shorts and flip flops. They’re showing particularly well.
Fourth, face it, nerds, ya’ll are a naturally good looking bunch. It’s you!
Big Red Car, what’s with all the great live music? It’s awesome.
OK, Austin is known as the “Live Music Capital of the United States” — because we have an enormous amount of live music. It may be the Live Music Capital of the World, sometimes I get confused.
Lots of venues and lots of live music. Enjoy it.
Yes, that was Jason Bieber, Johnny Depp and Willie Nelson. Yawn, just another night in the ATX.
So, ya’ll enjoy SXSW and let me know if you need a hand with anything.