Big Red Car here in the ATX on a glorious day which should crack 80F, ahhh, on Earth as it is in Texas, y’all.
So, the Big Red Car is freestyling today with a serious thought — it’s time to revive dueling as a means of alternative dispute resolution.
There it is. Look at it. Touch it. Smell it. Taste it. Do it.
The Big Red Car is tired of everyone yelling at each other.
Ted Cruz objects to Donald Trump talking smack about his Heidi?
Ted hitches up his pants (little pants cause he’s kind of short) and challenges big, tall Donald Trump to a duel. There it is!
No wagging fingers into the camera. No calling names. No late night Tweets. Just an old fashioned challenge to a duel. What could be more effective.
How would this work, Big Red Car?
OK, like everything else, there’s got to be some rules, right? OK, here’s some draft rules for your consideration.
- The aggrieved party states his beef. “Stop talking about my wife, Donald.”
- The aggrieved party gives the offending party a fixed period of time in which to right the wrong. “Donald, you’ve got 24 hours to apologize to my Heidi or we are going to the mat, pal.”
- Upon the offending party failing to satisfy the aggrieved party, the aggrieved party slaps the offending party with a black leather glove (cowhide or deerskin) and makes a formal challenge. When there is more than twenty five miles between the aggrieved and offending parties, the delivery of a glove (only one) may be effected by Fed Ex or UPS but not regular mail.
- The offending party gets to select the weapons including hand-to-hand combat (only if the dueling parties are roughly equivalent in size), boxing (same stipulation as to size), pistols, swords, knives (thrown or hand wielded), or sharpened index cards (typically only for accountants, lawyers, bankers).
- A time and date certain is set and the duel is conducted by the mutual agreement of “seconds,” honorable friends who will oversee the duelists’ interest with fidelity and fairness. There will also be professional seconds who for a fee of $250 payable in either cash or bitcoin who will perform the same functions.
- The duel will be held in a public place and will be live streamed and videoed for YouTube and Vimeo. The challenger (the aggrieved party) will select the video repository.
- The duel will be advertised on the official national dueling website as well as Twitter and Facebook. LinkedIn will also announce and publicize worthy duels. The results of the duel will be similarly advertised on the same media.
- The duelers may charge admission with all proceeds going to the prevailing duelist.
- Each duelist must make funeral arrangements using a pre-paid service. Most duelists will want to elect cremation and if they do, they have the option of being burned on the site of the duel.
This is a very simple thing to do and to do right, no?
What kind of knives, Big Red Car?
Glad you asked that, dear reader. The knives must be either a KBar
The knives would have to be sharpened to a razor’s edge and spare knives have to be brought to the duel.
An American tradition, Big Red Car, really?
Yes, dear reader, y’all remember the famous Hamilton v Burr duel, no? Back in the day, these two gents had an “affair of honor” dispute and put it to the test in Weehawken, NJ which had a “dueling ground.” A freakin’ dueling ground.
Aaron Burr was the then sitting Vice President of the United States under President Jefferson.
Alexander Hamilton had been Washington’s Secretary of the Treasury. He and Burr had a fractious and contentious relationship constantly plotting with and against each other. It was a mess.
Here is some background on these two gents: Burr v Hamilton. Damn good read as it involves politics and reputations and insults and all the same stupid shit we are seeing today. Some stuff never changes.
So, there you have it, dear reader.
Let’s restore the iconic American tradition of dueling. We can start with Ted Cruz and Donald Trump or as I like to call them Creepy and Braggy.
Hey, it could work. Trust me on this. Or, maybe, we’ll settle the matter with sharpened index cards?