Big Red Car Scores Exclusive Interview — Hillary Rodham Clinton

Big Red Car here. Great day in the ATX.

So, Hillary Clinton’s goons see the interview I had with The Donald and called, “We want some of that chili, Big Red Car. You on?”

“Yes, Madame Secretary, I am on!”

I received the 123 page pre-interview “agreement,” signed it, and here we go.

BRC: “Madame Secretary, welcome to my humble driveway. You are so kind to accommodate me and my dear readers. Thank you.”

HRC: “You’re damn right, Big Red Car. I’m accommodating you and don’t forget it. By the way, have you made a contribution to the Clinton Global Shakedown?”

[Note to readers: The secretary’s staff later clarified that was a joke. Let’s be fair here. I did, however, receive a donation form and an envelope. They take Visa.]

BRC: “So, Madame Secretary, the email server, the private emails, the classified documents — what say you?”

HRC: “Haha, that’s old news, Big Red Car. Fully discussed. Why would anyone be interested in that tripe? That’s not even news. I didn’t do anything that Putin doesn’t routinely do. Let’s move on, shall we.”

 BRC: “Mrs. Clinton, Vladimir Putin is the big dog running Russia. You were an American Secretary of State. How is that comparable?”

HRC: “Really, are you that dense, Big Red Car? I don’t have a good answer so I have to obfuscate and dissemble and distract and throw up strawmen. Let’s move on.”

BRC: “What say you about the revelation that the FBI is investigating this matter?”

HRC: The Secretary smiles and waves the question off. “Just a formality. They have been forced to do this by the vast right wing conspiracy which has been trying to catch me doing something since the cattle futures, Whitewater, the nuts & sluts, the Clinton Global Shakedown, the pay to play business, the sniper fire, my being named after Sir Edmund Hillary, and now this silliness about the emails and the email server in somebody’s bathroom — hey, investigate them. It was their bathroom. I’m the victim here.”

BRC: “One last question on that subject, please. The FBI doesn’t engage in political activity. They only investigate criminal activity. The head of the FBI is appointed for a ten year stretch specifically to avoid any political implications. The same career prosecutor who handled the similar General David Petreaus case which ended up in a guilty plea is handling this investigation. Isn’t this a serious matter for voters to consider?

HRC: “No. I’m entitled and that entitlement is bigger than the FBI. Much bigger. Move on, Big Red Car. Now.”

BRC: “You seem to be dropping in the polls and your main opponent, Bernie Sanders, is a 73-year old openly admitted socialist. How is that possible?”

HRC: “Bernie Sanders will never be elected anything. My candidacy is infinitely more attractive than that old socialist. I am entitled to this. I’ve waited my turn. I’m a woman. I represent all the little people, the poor people, all the people who voted for my husband who, by the way, I stood by when he was spewing his baby seed all over that blue dress on that slut Monica. It is my turn. Plus, the guy is as old as dirt.”

[Later, Mrs. Clinton’s staff also noted that Mr. Sanders was also a Jew and no Jews have ever been elected President of the United States but then President Obama is half black-half white and no halvies had ever been elected President before either. No? When it was similarly noted that no woman had been elected President either, Huma tried to knee the Big Red Car in the balls but she couldn’t figure out exactly where to apply her knee. Lucky for the Big Red Car.]

BRC: “Many will be tempted to reflect that you had a commanding lead over then Senator Barack H Obama back in 2008 and that didn’t work out well for you. Why is this time around different?”

HRC: “Aren’t you listening? I am entitled. I’ve paid my dues. I’m a woman — can’t you hear me roar?”

At this time, her aides formed a dance line and began to sing:

I am strong.
I’m invincible.
I am Hillary!

 I must say, it was quite moving and very well choreographed. Who knew that Huma Abedin was also a show stopping singer/dancer. Who knew?

helen-reddy-i-am-woman

BRC: “That was quite impressive, Mrs. Clinton? A couple more questions, if I may. How does Bill figure in your campaign? Will he be a distraction or an asset?”

HRC: “If Bill doesn’t behave himself, he will be a eunuch. Haha. No, Bill, is going to be fine. I’ve gotten him a pneumatic blonde for the balance of the campaign. When I’m in the White House, he will be taking up residence at Camp David. Remember, ‘I’m invincible.'”

BRC: “The Keystone XL Pipeline — you were asked whether you favored it or not. Why didn’t you answer?”

HRC: “Let me give you a dose of realpolitik, Big Red Car. You’re getting just a little tiresome, by the way. If I say I’m in favor of it and the President has indicated he is not — then that mean Valerie Jarrett is going to skewer me and tell Joe Biden to run for President. That real enough for you? I step on those shiny toes of Valerie, Michelle or Barack and I am toast. Those are three mean bitches you never want to cross.”

BRC: “You attended The Donald’s wedding to Melania in Palm Beach. Why and what was that like?”

HRC: “The Donald contributed money to one of my campaigns, so I was a rented mule and had to do whatever he said. Bill and I went. Bill said he had to see her . . . wedding dress. Right? Haha. He wanted to see what was inside that dress. The Donald is right about one thing — you give me enough money and I will push a peanut up Park Avenue with my nose. It’s called politics.

“As to the wedding itself. Wow! Now Bill and I aren’t exactly paupers but The Donald is in an entirely different class. With our paltry hundred million — all made through hard work and obscene speaking engagements, mind you — we are not in the same class as The Donald. We are, however, legitimate spokespersons for the little people — all those folk to whom the rules apply. Ugh!”

BRC: “Thank you for that candor, Mrs. Clinton. Very illuminating. Thank you. Last question — when the public is asked to associate a single word with your name what word do you think it is?”

HRC: “Madame President?” She laughed a demonic, maniacal laugh. Huma high fived her.

BRC: “No, Mrs. Clinton, it is ‘liar.’ How does that make you feel?”

HRC: “Presidential?”

It was a very interesting interview and I was told that if I didn’t handle the interview “properly” there would be repercussions.

But, hey, what the Hell do I really know anyway? I’m just a Big Red Car. Wow, they want a million dollar donation to the Clinton Global Shakedown. Wow!